when Haar Lof arrived at the appointed space at the
appointed time in the usual manner without much thought or feeling as usual and
found the space in which she had and this isn’t exaggerating had her soul
developed not only inaccessible but somehow not even present but present and
yet its presence was so distant as to feel as if it wasn’t feeling and thought
returned although the space didn’t and that was the start of the end
we shouldn’t say for it isn’t entirely precise that the
space didn’t return for it did but not in any way resembling the ways in which
it had previously presented itself which raises the questions of whether
feeling and thought returned also in the same way as they had returned before
or more in the way that the space returned or even in the ways of all returnings
if such a thing or things exist
nor was it true or is it neither is that or should true be
precise though truth isn’t precision it wasn’t the end or the start of the end
other than in the way we can always say such things so that we can equally and
always say it is the end of the start or the start of the start or the end of
the end but if so why say it at all yet we’ve said it in this case for a reason
or a reason that appears which is all reasons do they appear that being in this
instance at least for this reason because this feeling of some end was an
aspect of the feeling and then the thought that returned but the end is now and
what is the end other than now so why say it at all because there’s really no
now which means there’s really no end in the end but we’ve said it the end
the point is Haar Lof arrived and something wasn’t there
that used to exist seeming to create something else that wasn’t there that
seemed to exist raising issues not just for Haar Lof but for us who also arrive
and find new presentations of spaces that once existed creating bewilderment
and sometimes children or corporations but our concern here is Haar Lof she
being our locus and the issues all this froing and appointing returning and
toing for her were not unrelated to the conversation she was soon to have which
she thought about years later looking at the faded floral patterns on the
ceiling being somewhat about something about how to fill what is not present
with what might not exist
twējē indiscernibly squirmed.
Scan the perimeters. You’ll see for yourself. The parameters too. It’s all there.
haar Lof looked. twējē wasn’t
wrong. At least not obviously.
i think you’ll find them
satisfactory. They may seem new. And they are.
They may seem new. And they aren’t. Little has been done really.
this time Haar Lof squirmed.
It wasn’t as if he knew that twējē was in any sense misguided but
rather that he didn’t know.
The
apparent novelty that may be striking you isn’t false. You see it everywhere. It’s not a question of belief. You may be thinking this. Certainly not a question of language. Or any of those other things—time, freedom,
identity, memory, blaa blaa, being ... i’d suggest, rather, if possible, you
approach the issue from angles—or, perhaps better, arcs—that you wouldn’t.
Sure. Haar Lof would try to
wouldn’t. It would be hard not to in
such circumstances. As she began, twējē
interrupted.
Maybe. And i don’t say this casually. You could consider. Here twējē paused as if the object about to
come had brought about something unexpected.
Oh never mind. I suspect enough’s been said. With that, twējē vacated, leaving Haar Lof with herself
and yet another presence or distance she didn’t know, of twējē or,
rather, of the twējē that wasn’t there.
everything had changed of course as dialogue does the entire
landscape altering because of a single word even a gesture a dropped ring a
lasagna noodle the poof of reality up in smoke like a century which did not
mean in almost any sense that Haar Lof had changed or been changed these
variations of voice a fugue or fuckup another point for another time though she
must have changed what absence does or changed but only realized it much later
maybe horizontal with a toothache with that tooth missing but instead if
instead isn’t too dogmatic in the sense of suggesting some sort of entire
replacement that she looked at the presenting lack of presence not unlike the
way twējē had intimated in that comment about a question which in a not
insubstantial way altered not just the landscape but all we’ve spoken of and
seem compelled to keep returning to for reasons that could be hidden in the
aforementioned inaccessibility or or is it and the start or what is not a start
and or is it or the end or what from certain arcs might be an end or an end
into and in and out of the end or an end or end
one shouldn’t think that the space which had been removed was
simply some spiritual or emotional space some inner space some metaphor but an
actual place the substance of a shadow of an essence of three or more dimensions
like a cave or cubicle or cathedral in which she had grown and perhaps outgrown
or it had become ingrown and what had twējē to do with it the fart who just
appears and vacates and adds to the presences the distances in a manner uncomfortably
almost queasily the absent tooth that was waiting reminding her of the appointment
she increasingly didn’t want spelunking in memory like a fruitfly and yet she
was and hasn’t it been said that it’s not that it’s too slow or even that it’s
too fast but the gears are unmeshed and she balked like a picture before the
precision of it all the elusiveness the longing for lasagna the shattered
metaphors oh lord how difficult it was she wished she were the philosopher in
meditation looking out at the madding hordes through oil and time counting
stairs or slaves or unlikely eyes and yet she was all these passings maybe
buddha was right and wrong like everything we do and everything and words and
things yet it seemed not untrue in this removed and nowish moment that the
seeming was among those uncountable things that existed and did not exist
and yet here she was only feeling and thought or maybe thinking
and fought yet here she was or is or will be tense is so tense and won’t it be
said that the reasons of now are not the reasons of then but if tense becomes
pretense the intense tense is tense less tense more tense tense is not tense yet
even so now is then and it has been so there what end but the space the space
the race the thing the fling the bluths the truth Haar Lof drooped like a
missile twējē the twit those faded florals the arcs the wouldn’t she had
arrived and yet it was somehow as if she hadn’t like so many things she sat
down to it forgetting what could not be forgotten we do over and over till we
forget even that we forget and thought not about for she felt particularly twējē the pain
of the tomorrow days the ceilings waiting to be watched the accumulation of
airy absences the spaces filled with what twējē wasn’t the dropped lasagna the
endless fruitflies how things are lost keys hours spaces names my mother’s
watch cities loved houses you the joking voice disasters the start the cave the
start distance distance the start the start what end
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