HAAR LOF AND THE SPACE AND TWĒJĒ

when Haar Lof arrived at the appointed space at the appointed time in the usual manner without much thought or feeling as usual and found the space in which she had and this isn’t exaggerating had her soul developed not only inaccessible but somehow not even present but present and yet its presence was so distant as to feel as if it wasn’t feeling and thought returned although the space didn’t and that was the start of the end

we shouldn’t say for it isn’t entirely precise that the space didn’t return for it did but not in any way resembling the ways in which it had previously presented itself which raises the questions of whether feeling and thought returned also in the same way as they had returned before or more in the way that the space returned or even in the ways of all returnings if such a thing or things exist

nor was it true or is it neither is that or should true be precise though truth isn’t precision it wasn’t the end or the start of the end other than in the way we can always say such things so that we can equally and always say it is the end of the start or the start of the start or the end of the end but if so why say it at all yet we’ve said it in this case for a reason or a reason that appears which is all reasons do they appear that being in this instance at least for this reason because this feeling of some end was an aspect of the feeling and then the thought that returned but the end is now and what is the end other than now so why say it at all because there’s really no now which means there’s really no end in the end but we’ve said it the end

the point is Haar Lof arrived and something wasn’t there that used to exist seeming to create something else that wasn’t there that seemed to exist raising issues not just for Haar Lof but for us who also arrive and find new presentations of spaces that once existed creating bewilderment and sometimes children or corporations but our concern here is Haar Lof she being our locus and the issues all this froing and appointing returning and toing for her were not unrelated to the conversation she was soon to have which she thought about years later looking at the faded floral patterns on the ceiling being somewhat about something about how to fill what is not present with what might not exist

twējē indiscernibly squirmed.  Scan the perimeters.  You’ll see for yourself.  The parameters too.  It’s all there.

haar Lof looked.  twējē wasn’t wrong.  At least not obviously.

i think you’ll find them satisfactory.  They may seem new.  And they are.  They may seem new.  And they aren’t.  Little has been done really.

this time Haar Lof squirmed.  It wasn’t as if he knew that twējē was in any sense misguided but rather that he didn’t know.

The apparent novelty that may be striking you isn’t false.  You see it everywhere.  It’s not a question of belief.  You may be thinking this.  Certainly not a question of language.  Or any of those other things—time, freedom, identity, memory, blaa blaa, being ... i’d suggest, rather, if possible, you approach the issue from angles—or, perhaps better, arcs—that you wouldn’t.

Sure.  Haar Lof would try to wouldn’t.  It would be hard not to in such circumstances.  As she began, twējē interrupted.

Maybe.  And i don’t say this casually.  You could consider.  Here twējē paused as if the object about to come had brought about something unexpected.  Oh never mind.  I suspect enough’s been said.  With that, twējē vacated, leaving Haar Lof with herself and yet another presence or distance she didn’t know, of twējē or, rather, of the twējē that wasn’t there.

everything had changed of course as dialogue does the entire landscape altering because of a single word even a gesture a dropped ring a lasagna noodle the poof of reality up in smoke like a century which did not mean in almost any sense that Haar Lof had changed or been changed these variations of voice a fugue or fuckup another point for another time though she must have changed what absence does or changed but only realized it much later maybe horizontal with a toothache with that tooth missing but instead if instead isn’t too dogmatic in the sense of suggesting some sort of entire replacement that she looked at the presenting lack of presence not unlike the way twējē had intimated in that comment about a question which in a not insubstantial way altered not just the landscape but all we’ve spoken of and seem compelled to keep returning to for reasons that could be hidden in the aforementioned inaccessibility or or is it and the start or what is not a start and or is it or the end or what from certain arcs might be an end or an end into and in and out of the end or an end or end

one shouldn’t think that the space which had been removed was simply some spiritual or emotional space some inner space some metaphor but an actual place the substance of a shadow of an essence of three or more dimensions like a cave or cubicle or cathedral in which she had grown and perhaps outgrown or it had become ingrown and what had twējē to do with it the fart who just appears and vacates and adds to the presences the distances in a manner uncomfortably almost queasily the absent tooth that was waiting reminding her of the appointment she increasingly didn’t want spelunking in memory like a fruitfly and yet she was and hasn’t it been said that it’s not that it’s too slow or even that it’s too fast but the gears are unmeshed and she balked like a picture before the precision of it all the elusiveness the longing for lasagna the shattered metaphors oh lord how difficult it was she wished she were the philosopher in meditation looking out at the madding hordes through oil and time counting stairs or slaves or unlikely eyes and yet she was all these passings maybe buddha was right and wrong like everything we do and everything and words and things yet it seemed not untrue in this removed and nowish moment that the seeming was among those uncountable things that existed and did not exist

and yet here she was only feeling and thought or maybe thinking and fought yet here she was or is or will be tense is so tense and won’t it be said that the reasons of now are not the reasons of then but if tense becomes pretense the intense tense is tense less tense more tense tense is not tense yet even so now is then and it has been so there what end but the space the space the race the thing the fling the bluths the truth Haar Lof drooped like a missile twējē the twit those faded florals the arcs the wouldn’t she had arrived and yet it was somehow as if she hadn’t like so many things she sat down to it forgetting what could not be forgotten we do over and over till we forget even that we forget and thought not about for she felt particularly twējē the pain of the tomorrow days the ceilings waiting to be watched the accumulation of airy absences the spaces filled with what twējē wasn’t the dropped lasagna the endless fruitflies how things are lost keys hours spaces names my mother’s watch cities loved houses you the joking voice disasters the start the cave the start distance distance the start the start what end