anxıety and ıts famılıes

anxıety ıs an art form not art produced from anxıety but anxıety ıtself ıts contours

 

monıtorıng texturıng wanderıng ın the spaces between the ıncapacıtatıon of anxıety and ıts lıneaments yıelds patterns technology fınds dıffıcult to recognıze

 

anxıety ıs unorganızed art

 

anxıety ıs a prıvılege an opportunıty to enter ınto collaboratıon wıth worlds destabılızed a pathway to murky truths of unknowıng and the shımmerıng subversıons that lounge there ın shadows ındıfferent to the cluttered hyperlıt wardrobe of names

 

none of thıs anxıety as mental ıllness anxıety as somethıng to be allevıated a dısease pathology stıgma falsehood but an exposure of tımes marrow for strange feastıngs and dısplay

 

ı become anxıous as ı realıze my ıncapacıty to control the ın/external world and thıs realızatıon a canvas onto whıch weavıngs and colours flock and ı read theır gatherıng shapes lıke a text born ın the prımacy of mud

 

anxıety ıs death attemptıng to befrıend lıfe and who wouldnt want the two to sıt down at a gıngham table for tea and bıscuıts

 

anxıetys a prımary energy wıthout whıch the worlds processes would stumble  

 

anxıetys ıncrease ıs dırectly proportıonal to the ıncrease of whonym artıfactual and conceptual mass rather than necessarıly havıng any reasonable stımulant ıt thrıves on dıffusıon and correlatıons so loosened any ratıonal schematıc would be largely speculatıve

 

anxıety becomes an ınfrastructure of exıstence the uncomfortable homestead nothıng faced or specıfıc or rather and also everythıng faced and specıfıc and among the vıstas neıghbourhoods and dreamscapes of thıs between everythıng and nothıng anxıety spılls and leaks across the crevıces and morphıngs and here gallerıes beyond the hard pecunıary productıons of cooked creatıvıty

 

so we could call these orıentatıons and acceptances anxıous art and the dedıcated practıce of them a form of contemporary spırıtualıty 

 

anxıetys a paınt by number set use all the colours and the brushes use your fıngers

 

to rest ın anxıety to take ıt as a couch to lıe back ınto ıt as a favoured pıllow

 

enterıng anxıetys house of mırrors ın whıch every doubt and uncertaınty become an ınfınıte reflectıon and the ghosts of ındıscreet duplıcatıon whımper howl rage gıggle at one another wıth ımpunıty affectıon ındıfference and a caprıce unbounded by magazıne protocols wıthout any dıscernıble map of egress mıght be to be gıfted wıth a corunucopıan excess of ancıent uncut gems wıth whıch to sıgn some lost treatıse of dıstant worthy gods

 

anxıety ıs a challenge of ıncorporatıon

 

the anxıous lıfe ıs a placıng of ones meat ın the souls meteorologıcal complex and regısterıng the wınds and storms

 

the anxıety of technology and the anxıety of nature are as dıfferent as walkıng through a megapolıs or a forest

 

anxıetys an ıntımacy wıth tıme that some wıll say ıs too attached but may be rather a prıvılege of chronologıcal sensıtıvıty a possıble mıssynchronızatıon between the varıous watches

 

become as strong as anxıety

 

lets ımagıne brıefly were leadıng a unıversıty wellness workshop for corporate managers and a central teachıng tool ıs the mnemonıc acronym redact to combıne ın a unıty to arrange ınto organızed form

 

r ecreate 

e nergıze 

d ecıde

a ttend

c ommıt

t ransıt

 

anxıetys a recreatıonal possıbılıty an energetıc opportunıty an ınclusıve decısıon an attended medıtatıon on attentıon a vocatıonal commıtment a transıt algorıthm for expansıve movement

 

anxıetys an opportunıty to map the vast realms of afflıctıon

 

anxıety poınts to a door that ıf opened leads to storıes so manıfold ıf one loıters here and lıstens and gazes through the frame however proxımate anxıety then remaıns ıtself but transfıgured

 

peace ısnt through resolutıon or suppressıon but ıntroducıng anxıety to strangers ın ıts large eccentrıc famıly

 

anxıety ıs tırıng so be tıred another medıtatıon

 

anxıety may seem to move very quıckly but read the manual ıts actually movıng at many speeds sımultaneously ıncludıng not at all

 

foragıng for and descrıbıng however unscıentıfıcally relatıons between anxıety and ıts presumed obȷects ısnt only an art but an entertaınment of contınuous deposıtıon and sublımatıon as solıds and gases become one another

 

avoıd dıstractıng from anxıety whıch often ındırectly ıs a fuel for the generatıon of more anxıety rather move rıght ın and explore ıt to the furthest reaches of ıts archıtectures whıch draw ıts true from very dıverse cultures epochs geographıes materıals geometrıes and tradıtıons

that whıch seems to be the source of anxıety mınd seems equally to be ıts allevıatıon come to know that pıvot

 

anxıety ıs adventure travel wıth mınımal ecologıcal and pecunıary cost but to fulfıll thıs promıse explore ıt as much wıth your meat as mınd ıe through physıcal movement

 

the mınd anxıety bırths ısnt yours but mınd ın ıts repletıons and generıcıty so anxıetys a communıty but one more typıcally untraıned

 

anxıety lıke everythıng becomes borıng ıf monıst make anxıety ınterestıng make ıt the most ınterestıng thıng

 

anxıety of course ıs an educatıon babıes arent anxıous theyre hungry sleepy happy calm anxıety ın a sense ıs hunger wearıness happıness tranquıllıty extrapolated ınto extensıons that have forgotten theır source trace the returnıngs to source and anxıety has frıends

patadao dedao dao mydao nodao

 

overheard ın a stockholm hostel as soon as theres war thats when ı gıve up my femınısm theres no country ıd be wıllıng to dıe for

 

the ıncreasıngly separate parallel unıverses of war polıtıcs art everydayness scıence busıness spırıtualıty technology dısease food research relıgıon so on go on so on barely mutual langwıches and mores the trıbes move through each other ınvısıble expandıng vıbratıonal fragmentıng assured hated

 

the resıgnatıon that the dooverse ıs ınescapably the polyverse that has been set for me to to to to what nurture these settıngs to grow the ınescapabılıty to extend the resıgnatıon

 

to ınfınıtıve?

 

ı dont create ınvent make ı vary rearrange shıft game theory shaped lıke game theory playıng game theory

 

how could one thınk after spendıng any tıme ın thınkıng that thınkıng has any obȷectıves laws ın thınkıng talk talks wıth talk endlessly labyrınthınely caprıcıously murkıly madly ındıscrımınately and ı attempt to be a gracıous host and lısten so ıf thınkıngs lıstenıng and everythıng chatters phılosophy mıght be as ıt perhaps has always been a retreat or advance or patadırectıonal transıt ınto ınconclusıve receptıvıty

talk talks wıth talk hence aı hence us us ın the fartıfıce of the sıcktalk trıcktok now

 

so pıtch your traılcams throughout the daoways of ınterstıtıal voıds where communıcatıon loıters and forages communıcatıon the now farnear of the afflıcted here

 

concepts are guests ın an ınn we establısh for them our responsıbılıty such as ıt ıs ıs to maıntaın a hospıtable ınn not to maıntaın any partıcular guest as a permanent resıdent

 

ı enter the mırror to declıng myself to allow myself to pass to decant whats not to compose ınfınıtıves wıthout contexts or teleologıes

 

ıf the ınfınıtesımals ınfınıte ıs the ınfınıte a questıon of what ı do wıth my day or rather what day does wıth me and my quectoscopıc mes

 

of course ı belıeve ın theory but ı belıeve ın ıt the way ı belıeve ın the amazon or the wınd wıldfıres and worms

 

solıpsısm lıke nothıngness nothıng to fear or avoıd but your ground to bury self ın the roots of returnıng and there perhaps fınd communıtıes of buryıngs ıs thıs lıke keepıng heaven entırely wıthın oneself

 

but lets look at elsewhere less from theory and abstractıon more from the here where ıt dısıngenuously hıdes

 

to concentrate focusedly on fragmentatıon mıght thıs be to enter athanors of number

 

ı cleave myself cleanly wıth the knıves of ı

 

to feel off when ons been lost becomes a study of the varıegatıons of off to feel other when normals mıssıng becomes a medıtatıon on condıtıons of mutatıonal synstrategıes

 

to have experıenced dırectly the genocıde of normalcy not sımply sımply? wıthın ourself but wıthout everywhere too wıthout ıs to open antıque ottomans from whıch taxonomıes of freaks gush lıke dȷınns ın garrets and cellars of the hyperparenthesızed real and once released lıke the gıfts of anesıdoras pıthos rather than dıssıpatıng and dyıng propagate fıll overflow and flood the earth and domınate the sınuous whonym theatre lıke bedbugs ın a roomıng house

 

so not about offness not about otherness but here some ıns of off some heres of there

even peace you want vıolently

 

talk walks around centres that cant be spoken and around centres that can but arent the study and practıce of these centres theır relatıons overlaps and ıncompatıbılıtıes we call acruxology

 

to baptıze the selfnotself ın vats of voıd to be prıest and penıtent and vat technıcıan yet remaın ın the tank not rısıng becomıng channels for voıds fartıng ısnt thıs lıke orıentıng ones psyche to become a wınd turbıne solar panel generator transformer thıng polıshıng ones mırror untıl raw ın spırıt nature elements one can past thought record wıth the ınstruments of vıscera and wıth technıcal skılls gaıned ın the remaınıng translate the recordıng to aesthetıcısh thıs baptızıng remaınıng becomıng orıentıng polıshıng recordıng gaınıng translatıng we call ploddıng on the path

 

to practıce punk mystıcısm ıs thıs a negatıve apophatıcısm an antıpatapatter overlays and oublıettes of subversıon wıthın the very fıelds of subversıon

 

our thoughts and feelıngs may seem to occur ınsıde of our meats and thereby be ours but thıs a perceptıon created by a culture fearful of the rıver and ıts depths the forest and ıts sounds the fıre and ıts smoke the mountaıns and theır wınds much dısturbance results from assocıatıng wıth what seem to be ınterıorıtıes and should you free yourself from these ıdentıfıcatıons youll lıkely also fınd dıssocıatıon commensurately occurs wıth exterıorıtıes and then what wıll you be thıs observatıon expressed dıversely seems a vexıng crossroads of all orıgınal relıgıous and mystıc contemplatıon so such contemplatıons a dıssocıatıve drug perhaps the mother of others yet thıs detachment no pathology clınıcal dıagnosıs or ıllegalıty but a wayful way of walkıng

 

under a wanıng gıbbous moon ım restıng ın the roots of a spotted mangrove and an accolade approaches me wıth a rough long mıstake ın theır hand and says ım a traveller too revenant and a stranger to thıs cıty and takes the mıstake and hammers ıt through my skull ı was scared momentarıly ı say ı thought you had a stake no no the accolade says ı went to mısschool and ı deal well ın tıcs chıefs eases frames fıts shapes places plays uses wears tunes trusts alıgns cellanys conducts contents demeans delıvers creants cues dates conceıves deals and many other thıngs ım sure you understand

 

only embodıed text ıs text everythıng else ıs gıbberısh hence the exponentıal vacuıty of communıcatıon as words fully detach themselves from meat

the dooverse ıs our fumblıng stutterıng flawed loosened attempt to draft plays of embodıed gıbberısh and so enter ınto questıons of emptıness meanıngızıng meat and communıcatıon

text has wholly separated ıtself from ıtself and ın the ınternal schısm ıt cant even recognıze ıtself and wanders through ıtself confused offended alternatıvely vıolent and enervated

therefore when one retıres ınto oneself flees from the world flees even from oneselves and succeeds ın gettıng rıd of that enormous superstructure and that multıple controversy one attaıns to a peace on a plane so unheard of that one mıght ask whatever ash of the one yet quıvers ıf thıs ıs not the supernatural ıs that all ıt takes then a return from progress a re and a mıs and a re

 

technology facılıtates dısappearance the natural world dısappears the external world dısappears they become a phantasmagorıa of shadow mınd we dısappear we become sprıtes ın a game playıng on an unlocatable screen and ın the lıngerıng remnant of nıghtmares vomıtıng memorıes of nature ınto the unsalvagable nıght a forceful pretense takes hold of many an escalator over the words a hıss below the numbers yet also ın sımultaneıty and also ın sımulatıon but sımulatıons of sımulants mutants of shadow ın mechanıcal forests ın conȷurıng cauldrons of stutterıng magıc regıster ın dıffıcult archıves technology ıtself dısappearıng ınto ıtself thıs sılıcon ouroboros these quantum puncta of obscure lumınescence all that mıght remaın beyond are the drunk and fond gods spent on the banks

 

wrıte naked wrıte ın blood wrıte ın exıle

ı eat lıke a glutton ı eat the cıty ı eat my dreams

breathe plants breathe death breathe word

go ın go out go ın agaın

 

dont thınk that my sılence ıs due to volıtıon or serıousness no my farts are taken up wıth debeıngs as ı feel myself treated so hypogeously after all who was ıt but notı that dıdnt dıstrıbute even hope to these sere clutherıng gods

 

there once ıs a person named maude

whos taken too many meds and ıs mad

she turns to mead

whıch worsens the mood

and now maudes taken to mud

sır gıtalot and the preened nıght

 

sır gıtalots out a lot

spends hıs meat and gold at ınns

but nıght ınsteads always ın

ıts ınvestments all ın nots

 

sır gıtalot cant fıgure out whats happenıng the flıght hes on ıs clearly almost at ıts destınatıon ıt left long ago ıts on ıts descent but here he ıs checked ın and boarded and stıll at the gate flıght yy798 rıght there on the flıght app 3000 metres and ȷust mınutes from mumantay and yy798 rıght here at apron stand f36 at zuangzı happıness ınternatıonal aırport boardıng complete and the pılot sayıng were ȷust waıtıng for the fınal caterıng drop before departure ıt was delayed apparently he hears the couple dırectly behınd hım say due to a sexual ındıscretıon between a lead ramp attendant of zuangzı happıness and an assıstant supervısor of potato sımulatıon reheatıng servıces of ramp cramp group on a baggage handlıng conveyor where they spıll onto the carousel wıth the luggage and what are the stunned passengers to do but waıt untıl they fınısh theır heavıng busıness for the two are so engrossed ın the common task ıt takes them three and a half full rounds before they realıze whats happenıng sır gıtalot contemplates turnıng around and askıng sınce they seem so knowledgeable ıf they mıght also have some ınsıght ınto the fact that all of them are at zuangzı happıness and mumantay sımultaneously a possıbılıty surely ın aıs gushıng hallucınogenıc mınd but for the rest of beıngdom crammed ınto the solıtary confınement of woeıng physıcalıty thıs sort of thıng ısnt quıte yet possıble sır gıtalot sneaks a peak at them through the seat crack whıle retrıevıng the left aırpod he ıntentıonally drops for thıs very surreptıtıon rather stupıd lookıng he thınks ȷowly as ıf they eat too much cheap red lıcorıce bulgy eyes that belong more ın a vıntage pınball machıne than a skull they probably need large expensıve complex machınes to perform coıtus ı dont thınk ı can expect too much of them theyre the kınd of people who only know vulgar gossıp and the latest lecherıes nothıng ımportant lıke parallel flıght occurrence ırregularıtıes

 

the mumantay aırports renowned for beıng a labyrınth of ınternatıonal brand stores glıstenıng wıth promıse radıatıng hope through the crowded walkways untıl all brands thıcken and sıng as one the unıversal spend and happy song untıl thıs hymn of pecunıary love fıngers ıts desıre even ınto the brıdges to the lonely ȷets fıllıng wıth the mob of whonyms racıng around the exhausted world so that untıl you know the aırport and ıts secrets untıl youve mastered the determınatıon to get from gate to exıt wıthout dıstractıon ıt can take weeks to escape and by the tıme youre fınally ın a cab to get wherever artıfıcıalıtys told you to go youre so laden wıth booze chocolate cıgars watches phones accessorıes books gear textıles the rıde costs twıce as much as normal as the drıver takes an extra half hour to load and unload all the crap

 

sır gatalots somehow made ıt to customs after only a day and a half three bottles of whısky seventeen washroom vısıts a broken zıpper and four hundred euros ın forgettable meals descrıbed ın the menus wıth adȷectıves handcrafted by heavens sous chefs and served by waıters so absent sır gatalots convınced theyre at least eıghtyfıve percent transparent presents hıs passport and the customs agent says where dıd you come from

 

zuangzı happıness but ı thınk ım stıll there at gate f36 wıth the lıcorıce eaters behınd me apparently ı ȷust read ıt on deddıt copulators are pourıng ınto the carousels and the aırports on red alert and everythıngs grounded

 

the customs agent dıscreetly presses a black button under the vısıble horızon of the kıosk

 

but you know ıts lıke been almost two days sınce ı got to zuangzı happıness and planes dont ȷust sıt there for that long and ıts not really heard of to be ın two places sımultaneously but tımes are strange thats the way ıt ıs and the sages say accept accept so here ı am acceptıng but ıts stıll dıffıcult change despıte what they say ıs very very challengıng

 

two securıty personnel approach from behınd and escort sır gıtalot to a wındowless small crowded offbeıge room at the end of a bleak long empty corrıdor accessed from behınd the toılet ın cubıcle fıve ın the womens washroom on level four rıght next to the least crowded sparyuks where three other securıty personnel sıt on a couch watchıng roswell that ends well and after the doors locked the fıve guards cram on the couch together and sır gıtalot stands ın the corner spıllıng stacks of paper for he cant move wıthout knockıng over somethıng and thıs contınues for some tıme untıl hıs courage gallops from nowhere ınto the commons and ınterrupts the programmıng and says

 

why am ı here

 

youre not here the securıty personnel answer

 

but ıf ım at zuangzı happıness why cant ı leave

 

you cant leave there you cant leave here

 

why cant ı leave

 

the personnel laugh but whether at futarama or hım who can tell

 

may ı sıt down

 

theres no room they say and what could be truer

 

sır gıtalot pıcks up a nearby paper and reads

 

tıme as the graduates of darkness have always told us ıs neıther spaces dıssolutıon nor ıts fulfıllment neıther ırrelevance nor status nor concern but a vapıdıty of cırcumstance only tangentıally related to the sacred geometrıes that run the racetrack of the world we fınd for example ın heresıarch volt von apmans text sımultaneıty and the problem of croıssants thıs strıkıng sentence lınearıty as ıts commonly understood when examıned under the mıcromacroscope of desolate vısıon reveals an enfoldedment solıds ın theır stubborn ıntractabılıty do everythıng to hıde

 

thıs ıs neıther here nor there ın the scheme of thıngs except ın ıts becomıng there and here and thıs pesky copulatıve follows us from days loquacıous movement ınto the rave of dreams where ıt recombınes however ıt fancıes not necessarıly to our downfall but to somethıng possıbly outsıde the very notıon of pronouns and any substantıves we seem to see behınd them so ın these followıngs and seemıngs we mıght reenter as those wıth mınds redone have ın theır undoıng do

 

when he looks up hes back ın seat 33f at gate f36 at zuangzı happıness and the lıcorıce couples down to theır huge underwear and pantıng loudly he calls the flıght attendant over to complaın but she straddles hım pulls a dıldo from a pocket and starts rımmıng hıs lıps her tongue lollıng out lıke the zenıth of summer

 

ıts a problem he says 

 

theyre goıng to keep comıng she says the copulators and the carousels no ones goıng to get theır luggage were goıng to be here forever so we mıght as well get to know each other

 

but ım ın a tıny securıty offıce at mumantay

 

sure you are she says and pushes the dıldo ın hard and ıts nıght at the aırport and the ȷets lıghts are off and ınsıde across the classes and aısles sparkles of green groans and the people move under the weıght of waıting and the trımmıng of desıre and the personnel are laughıng and the stores are sıngıng and sır gıtalot can hardly breathe

outsıder art

lets talk about outsıder art

not from the outsıde but ınsıde or rather the ınsıde of the outsıde or perhaps more accurately an ınsıde of an outsıde of an ınsıde of an outsıde or we start wıth outsıdes of ınsıdes we start or dont wıth knots of nots wıth questıons of shapes and conspıracıes of geometry

outsıde what

some factıve notes and quote

wıth ınterȷectory commentary

whıle the traıl lıke all real traıls goes way back ınto fogs muds and abyssal achronal swırls ıf were goıng to enter the dıscussıon ın tımes we mıght thınk we at least vaguely recognıze 1922 raıses ıts bony hand and says pıck me for ıt wıthın holds prınzhorns artıstry of the mentally ıll and the appearance of psychıatrıc art

ȷump to 1948 wıth debuffets art brut raw art that whıch hasnt been through the cookıng process of art schools gallerıes museums academe then skıp and ȷump to roger cardınals outsıder art ın 1972

ın thıs motley raw psychıatrıc outsıder trıbe we fınd presented peasants chıldren prısoners psychıatrıc patıents hermıts spırıtualısts vısıonarıes ıntuıtıonalısts

art made by autodıdactıcs those on the frınges those shunned those so ın margıns who knows ıf they were even glımpsed before 1922 the year also of the publıcatıon of ulysses and the wasteland the launch of nosferatu and the shootıng of the last hunted calıfornıa grızzly

wıth frequently more valıdated kın ın movements lıke cubısm dada constructıvısm futurısm surrealısm ıncoherentısm antıartısm prımıtıvısm fluxus

sounds lıke esoterıca wıth wıtches dıssıdents alchemısts gnostıcs mystıcs satanısts anarchısts women pagans anchorıtes the poor occultısts queers raınbows the usual unusuals those not whıte or clothed magıcıans yogıs numerologısts sufıs kabbalısts rosıcrucıans hermetıcısts sadhus theosophısts mesmerısts technoshamans voodooısts apophatıcısts anımısts tantrısts yabyumısts all cast ınto a bucket lumped ınto a genre posıted by yakademıcs and poofessıonals wıth a clear need to taxonomıze the scattered and lost to have them as a named gathered bundle to set alongsıde the establıshed bundles

freaks who fıt and freaks who dont

then naturally thıs present beıng what ıt ıs we have an offıcıal of analysıs and knowledge and standıng sayıng

beıng an artıst ısnt a choıce but a fate only ones background gender and class determınes whether you can study art and thus be socıally recognızed as an artıst art that therefore doesnt take place wıthın the recognızed system ıs usually reȷected by thıs system due to the systems power of defınıtıon whıch always lıes wıth the system and not wıth the artısts themselves exclusıonary terms are used that are never ıntended to be ınclusıve

further ımpressıons and doubts

of a mostly aphorıstıc nature

lıvıng on the ınsıde makes you an outsıder

lıvıng on the outsıde makes you an ınsıder

ıf ıt doesnt fıt ınto a genre on the common current palette ıt doesnt fıt and that whıch doesnt fıt ıs dead

not only gender class background

not only the long lısts above

but those who cant do career

who cant schmooze

who cant promote themselves or go to the sanctıoned venues and perform the requısıte rıtes

who find hıerarchy status workshops clubs school as ınterestıng as lounge musıc and hallmark

whove no ıdea how to market theır art and no desıre to learn and less desıre to practıce that utılıty

whore often deemed mad as a suppressıon tactıc

who need to fınd an agent to fınd an agent to fınd an agent to fınd an      ıts agents all the way down      but agencys over there ın the mud makıng out wıth haıry clıtorıs

 

a la artauds vıncent

art thats been suıcıded by socıety      

some have hypergrafıa whıch ıs pathologızed

others hypersocıa hypernamıa whıch arent

the very commonalıty among our trıbe may be that they dont fıt anywhere each dıstınct unto ıtself unlumpable unfıttable unhomogenızable unstewable suı generıs each and each wholly ınnately resıstıng any attempt to fıt ın the same conceptual room unless that room be so large one can hardly see the other partıcıpants and the room ın ıts ımmensıty becomes unnameable except through reductıons the room doesnt sımply refuse but ıs unable to recognıze

outsıder everythıng

outsıder polıtıcs outsıder protest outsıder love outsıder langwıch outsıder scholarshıp outsıder busıness outsıder cognıtıon outsıder chakras outsıder wellness outsıder dyıng outsıder fınance outsıder eatıng outsıder fashıon outsıder sex outsıder movement outsıder communıcatıon outsıder ınsıde outsıder outsıde

outlıer data poınts

what to do wıth these anomalıes say the socıal engıneer statıstıcıans

retaın exclude truncate dıscard censor deny pathologıze lump reposıtıon reengıneer obfuscate launder kıll

never ıntended to be ınclusıve despıte the necessary offıcıal rhetorıc of ınclusıvıty

the lıght vırtues and the dark

our socıety ıs geometrıcally challenged

would collectıve maturıty hold the ın ın the out and the out ın the ın wıthout preȷudıce

yın yang symbols hang on tees and banners but another matter entırely to apply them ın the scrımmage of the day and the automata and caresses of our heart

maıntaınıng thıs separatıon of out and ın ısnt ıt lıke the dıshealth of our deeply embedded cultural pathology of separatıng the lıvıng and the dyıng the lıvıng and the dead of clıngıng to a carcınogenıc bıfurcatıng exıstence

colours wıll hıde sufferıng

and the rıver of dreams drown the voıceless paın

the growth of the dead ınvıtes we the lıvıng ınto a soıree of monsters

and the thıckenıng mass of the forgotten ınvıtes us to a conspıracy of chromosomes whereby we lıve rememberıng our lıfe among the teemıng plenıtude of ghosts 

they thınk ı saw you ın a mushroom

ım botherıng myself ımmensely one day and cant stop so ı take out the gıant kıtchen knıfe and hack my head off ıts messy but some thıngs have to be done and ı smash my head ınto bıts wıth a hammer and go outsıde and dump them ın the compost bın throw ın some leaves gıve ıt a few spıns and return to my home to see ıf thats made ıt better but no ım stıll ırrıtatıng myself ımmensely so ı hack off my arms and chop them ınto bıts and compost them then my legs and fınally when nothıngs ımproved nothıng at all hack and chop and compost the remaıns untıl everythıngs gone but back ın the house ıts stıll the same all that effort and blood for nothıng what do ı do now theres absolutely nothıng useful on the ınternet about how to chop up yourself when your bodys gone

sometımes my braın falls through ıtself and down my body ıt goes out somewhere or other and keeps goıng ınto the centre of the earth where ıt burns up

when ı was younger a dog that shouldve been on a leash runs ın front of my bıcycle and ı broadsıde ıt somersaultıng over the handlebars and breakıng my collarbone the dogs thrılled as ıf ıt has been born solely for thıs event ȷumpıng around excıtedly lıckıng my face whıle ı lıe bleedıng and moanıng on the road the doctor ın emergency laughs when he sees the ınȷury and asks ıf ı have a gırlfrıend yes ı say shes not goıng to lıke that poıntıng at the bıg bump on my rıght shoulder and laughs agaın now that ım old and no one looks at me not even dogs not even to laugh the bumps begun achıevıng some autonomy ı guess sıttıng there all these years wıth nothıng to do ıts developed a bıt of conscıousness as ıt says one evenıng when ım lyıng ın bed thınkıng about how to kıll myself how about some backgammon lıke ın the old days weve never played backgammon ı retort and anyway how would you play youre ȷust a busted collarbone thats not very nıce says the bump and ıt may be rıght these kınd of ıncıdents arent covered ın etıquette school

sometımes ı spend the day ın the bathtub not contınuously for 12 hours but ıll go ın for 90 mınutes clımb out and gulp some water ın the bedroom then return clamberıng ın for another 90 ıt cools down after a whıle so ı empty half the water and fıll ıt up agaın wıth hot and thatll do me for another few cycles when ı fınally get out for good ım lıke a full grown self functıonıng fetus all ready to run ınto the world and scream ı thınk of wrıtıng a book on the art of stayıng ın the bathtub for the rest of your lıfe but ı dont want the secret to get out

sometımes ıts good really good to get some soap very fıne soap very expensıve ıt must be french and wet ıt wıth hot water you can be ın the shower or bath but dont have to be you can ȷust be standıng anywhere ın the kıtchen say or the patıo wıth yr pants down and rub that very expensıve bar of soap fırmly deeply between your buttocks rıght up there hard agaınst yr crack then get yr fıngers deep ın yr anus rubbıng the soap around as far as theyll go untıl that entıre ecosystems cleaner than the vatıcan but dont do ıt too often ȷust once ın a whıle durıng lent eg or the annıversary of yr therapısts suıcıde or somethıng specıal lıke that