gordie
and cindi are traveling downtown on a weekday afternoon
in
their car and wish to park it in the safety of a garage
cast (in order of appearance)
cindi
gordie
parking
garage attendant
state
farm insurance customer service representative #1
state farm
insurance customer service representative #2
police
officer
interrogation
officer
interrogation
officer #2
interrogation
officer #3
rats
gordie and cindi are traveling downtown on a weekday
afternoon
in their car and wish to park it in the safety of a
garage
c there’s one –
g where?
c up ahead, to the
left
g oh yeah
g it says closed 24
hours
c it can’t say
closed 24 hours
g it says closed 24
hours
c it must mean open
g why does it say
closed?
c nothing’s closed
24 hours
g that’s not true
c not garages
g matt’s garage is
often closed 24 hours
c i mean parking
garages. public parking garages
g there’s someone in
the booth
c let’s try it out
g hi
a hi
g could we park
please
a certainly
g here
a you’re blocking
the sidewalk
g i mean in your
garage
a i don’t have a
garage
g what’s this?
a that’s not my
garage
g who’s garage is
it?
a the owners
g right, ok, may i
park in the owners’ garage
a no
g why?
a we’re closed
g how can you be
closed?
a we’re always
closed
g it’s 3 in the
afternoon. on a tuesday
a uh huh
g public parking
garages are always open in the afternoon on tuesdays
a unless it’s a
holiday
g but it’s not a
holiday
a good point
g so may we park in
your garage?
a it’s not my
g your owners’
garage
a they’re not my
owners
g when do you open?
a we’re never open
g how can you be a
garage and never open?
a i’m not the owner
g what are you doing
here?
a i work here
g you work here?
a hey it’s none of
your business what i do here
c gordie i think we
should go. i’m sure there’s lots of parking garages
a lady’s probably
right
g why even have a
sign then? closed 24 hours. it’s stupid
a i wouldn’t get
nasty
g i’d like to call
your manager
a all i’ve got is
the number of our policy department
g policy department?
c gordie please
g ok fine what’s the
number?
a 1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6
6
g 1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6
6
c gordie i don’t
like the sound of this
1 thank you for
calling state farm insurance. all our policy representatives are busy at the
moment. please stay on the line to keep your position in the queue. we’re
looking forward to meeting your needs shortly
g this is state farm
insurance
a i just work here
g state farm pays
you?
a luigi pays me
g luigi’s your boss?
a luigi’s the guy
who pays me
g who’s luigi?
c gordie i wouldn’t
a luigi comes by
every friday and pays me
1 hello, this is
marci speaking, how may i help you?
g oh hi. this is
gord mcnamara calling. i’m outside one of your parking garages and it says it’s
closed 24 hours which it can’t be, my wife and i just need a place to park and
i was wondering if you could talk to your attendant here so he lets us in
1 this is state farm
insurance, this is marci speaking
g your attendant told
us to call this number about the parking problem we’re having
1 do you have a
moment to answer a question?
g sure
1 do you feel you’re
paying too much for car insurance with your present provider?
g look, all i want
to do is park
1 where are you located
sir?
g toronto. downtown
toronto. near … {where are we?}
c/a simultaneously – c – i don’t know dear – a – adelaide and john
g adelaide and
dear aside
{now we’re getting somewhere}
1 you might want to
try one of our local agents. do you know your zip code?
g let me ask you a
question
1 yes sir
g does state farm
own parking garages?
1 i’m sure we must
own a few sir, we’re a big company
g but are you in the
business of owning parking garages
1 i think we’re in the
business of insurance sir. we may insure more parking garages than own them but
i’m not sure. i’m just a policy representative. does your life insurance
adequately cover your needs and those you love?
g could you see if
you can transfer me to your parking garage division
c gordie we’re going
to miss the performance
g shut up
c/1 simultaneously – c – gordie – 1 – pardon me sir?
g sorry (to 1)
c gordie
g your parking
garage division. could you transfer me to them
1 i’ll try to see if
we have anything like that. do you mind if i put you on hold sir?
g ok
a i leave at 5
g what use are you?
c that’s not nice
gordie
g not nice? luigi
comes and pays this guy every friday for doing nothing
a hey
g he gives us a
number to state farm insurance
a that’s what luigi
tells me to do
g and he won’t let
us park in his parking garage
a it’s not my
parking garage
1 sir?
g yes
1 thanks for your
patience sir
g i’m not patient
1 i found a george d.
parsing. he’s senior manager in the fraud department. i can’t transfer you,
he’s in san francisco, but i can give you his number
g what is it
1 415 6 6 1 3 7 2 6
g 415 6 6 1 3 7 2 6
c gordie that’s long
distance
2 good afternoon,
this is state farm insurance, we’re delighted to serve you, how may we help you
today
g hello this is gord
mcnamara, i’m at one of your parking garages in toronto near dear and john and
c adelaide gordie
adelaide
g sorry, adelaide
and dear
c dear it’s john not
dear
g would you shut up
2 pardon me
g not you my wife,
look we’re having major problems here getting into one of your parking garages
and all we want to do is park and see a musical and then have dinner and
hopefully cindi will have too much wine so i can fuck her later
c gordie! gordie!
that’s not nice. oh gordie
2 sir, this is state
farm insurance in san francisco. we sell life insurance and auto insurance and fire
insurance and many other kinds of insurance to meet all your insurance
requirements whether simple or complex and if you have insurance needs i’d be
happy to transfer your call to the appropriate representative. in the meantime
i suggest you call our 1 800 number at 1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6 6
g i’ve already
called that fucking number and it’s full of fucking fuckfucks and if you don’t
let me into your fucking parking garage right now i’m going to fucking fucking
blow someone’s fucking head off
c gordie i really think
we should go somewhere else
g would you shut
your fucking mouth
2 {click}
a the cops are here
g what do you mean
the fucking cops are here
c oh dear
p what seems to be
the matter sir
g nothing seems to
be the fucking matter
c my husband’s a
little upset because we can’t get into the parking garage
a he’s been highly
abusive and threatening and has major anger management issues
p this is your
husband?
c i’m not sure, this
parking garage seems to have turned him into a different person
p we’ll have to take
you in sir
g take me in? what
do you mean fucking take me in?
g what is this
p we’ve contracted
out our interrogation services to state farm insurance. wait here and an
interrogation officer will be with you shortly
g you know all i
wanted to do is see come from away
and have dinner and fuck my wife
p that kind of
language is inappropriate in an insurance office, i’ll have to pass it on to
the interrogation officer
g yeah well tell
them to fuck themselves in the ass while you’re at it
p you do realize that
swearing to a police officer is a criminal offense
g fuck you fucker
io gord mcnamara?
g where the fuck am
i and who the fuck are you
io take off your
clothes
g what?
io take off your
clothes, we have to do a physical search as part of standard procedures
g no fucking way
io {i’m going to need
assistance}
io2 we’ll have to sedate
him
g hey hey
io3 he’s going down
quick, who wants him
io i’ll do him
gordie
gets raped by io and beaten by io2 and io3
and dumped
in cell -44f where he’s eaten by rats
c but where’s my
husband?
p he’s been
transferred to detention center r493 for questioning
c when will i get to
see him?
p that’s up to the
presiding judiciary ma’am, the best thing for you to do at this point is get on
with your life
c but what’s happened
to my gordie
p look ma’am, i
suggest you go home and live your life and stop asking questions. you want to
have a beer with me?
c no
c i mean maybe
part
of the everyday life events series
brought
to you by allstate and the government of newfoundland and labrador
