gordie and cindi are traveling downtown on a weekday afternoon in their car and wish to park it in the safety of a garage

gordie and cindi are traveling downtown on a weekday afternoon

in their car and wish to park it in the safety of a garage

cast (in order of appearance)

cindi

gordie

parking garage attendant

state farm insurance customer service representative #1

state farm insurance customer service representative #2

police officer

interrogation officer

interrogation officer #2

interrogation officer #3

rats

gordie and cindi are traveling downtown on a weekday afternoon

in their car and wish to park it in the safety of a garage

c            there’s one –

g            where?

c            up ahead, to the left

g            oh yeah

g            it says closed 24 hours

c            it can’t say closed 24 hours

g            it says closed 24 hours

c            it must mean open

g            why does it say closed?

c            nothing’s closed 24 hours

g            that’s not true

c            not garages

g            matt’s garage is often closed 24 hours

c            i mean parking garages. public parking garages

g            there’s someone in the booth

c            let’s try it out

g            hi

a            hi

g            could we park please

a            certainly

g            here

a            you’re blocking the sidewalk

g            i mean in your garage

a            i don’t have a garage

g            what’s this?

a            that’s not my garage

g            who’s garage is it?

a            the owners

g            right, ok, may i park in the owners’ garage

a            no

g            why?

a            we’re closed

g            how can you be closed?

a            we’re always closed

g            it’s 3 in the afternoon. on a tuesday

a            uh huh

g            public parking garages are always open in the afternoon on tuesdays

a            unless it’s a holiday

g            but it’s not a holiday

a            good point

g            so may we park in your garage?

a            it’s not my

g            your owners’ garage

a            they’re not my owners

g            when do you open?

a            we’re never open

g            how can you be a garage and never open?

a            i’m not the owner

g            what are you doing here?

a            i work here

g            you work here?

a            hey it’s none of your business what i do here

c            gordie i think we should go. i’m sure there’s lots of parking garages

a            lady’s probably right

g            why even have a sign then? closed 24 hours. it’s stupid

a            i wouldn’t get nasty

g            i’d like to call your manager

a            all i’ve got is the number of our policy department

g            policy department?

c            gordie please

g            ok fine what’s the number?

a            1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6 6

g            1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6 6

c            gordie i don’t like the sound of this

1           thank you for calling state farm insurance. all our policy representatives are busy at the moment. please stay on the line to keep your position in the queue. we’re looking forward to meeting your needs shortly

g            this is state farm insurance

a            i just work here

g            state farm pays you?

a            luigi pays me

g            luigi’s your boss?

a            luigi’s the guy who pays me

g            who’s luigi?

c            gordie i wouldn’t

a            luigi comes by every friday and pays me

1           hello, this is marci speaking, how may i help you?

g            oh hi. this is gord mcnamara calling. i’m outside one of your parking garages and it says it’s closed 24 hours which it can’t be, my wife and i just need a place to park and i was wondering if you could talk to your attendant here so he lets us in

1           this is state farm insurance, this is marci speaking

g            your attendant told us to call this number about the parking problem we’re having

1           do you have a moment to answer a question?

g            sure

1           do you feel you’re paying too much for car insurance with your present provider?

g            look, all i want to do is park

1           where are you located sir?

g            toronto. downtown toronto. near …  {where are we?}

c/a       simultaneously – c – i don’t know dear – a – adelaide and john

g            adelaide and dear   aside {now we’re getting somewhere}

1           you might want to try one of our local agents. do you know your zip code?

g            let me ask you a question

1           yes sir

g            does state farm own parking garages?

1           i’m sure we must own a few sir, we’re a big company

g            but are you in the business of owning parking garages

1           i think we’re in the business of insurance sir. we may insure more parking garages than own them but i’m not sure. i’m just a policy representative. does your life insurance adequately cover your needs and those you love?

g            could you see if you can transfer me to your parking garage division

c            gordie we’re going to miss the performance

g            shut up

c/1       simultaneously – c – gordie – 1 – pardon me sir?

g            sorry (to 1)

c            gordie

g            your parking garage division. could you transfer me to them

1           i’ll try to see if we have anything like that. do you mind if i put you on hold sir?

g            ok

a            i leave at 5

g            what use are you?

c            that’s not nice gordie

g            not nice? luigi comes and pays this guy every friday for doing nothing

a            hey

g            he gives us a number to state farm insurance

a            that’s what luigi tells me to do

g            and he won’t let us park in his parking garage

a            it’s not my parking garage

1           sir?

g            yes

1           thanks for your patience sir

g            i’m not patient

1           i found a george d. parsing. he’s senior manager in the fraud department. i can’t transfer you, he’s in san francisco, but i can give you his number

g            what is it

1           415 6 6 1 3 7 2 6

g            415 6 6 1 3 7 2 6

c            gordie that’s long distance

2           good afternoon, this is state farm insurance, we’re delighted to serve you, how may we help you today

g            hello this is gord mcnamara, i’m at one of your parking garages in toronto near dear and john and

c            adelaide gordie adelaide

g            sorry, adelaide and dear

c            dear it’s john not dear

g            would you shut up

2           pardon me

g            not you my wife, look we’re having major problems here getting into one of your parking garages and all we want to do is park and see a musical and then have dinner and hopefully cindi will have too much wine so i can fuck her later

c            gordie! gordie! that’s not nice. oh gordie

2           sir, this is state farm insurance in san francisco. we sell life insurance and auto insurance and fire insurance and many other kinds of insurance to meet all your insurance requirements whether simple or complex and if you have insurance needs i’d be happy to transfer your call to the appropriate representative. in the meantime i suggest you call our 1 800 number at 1 800 6 6 6 6 6 6 6

g            i’ve already called that fucking number and it’s full of fucking fuckfucks and if you don’t let me into your fucking parking garage right now i’m going to fucking fucking blow someone’s fucking head off

c            gordie i really think we should go somewhere else

g            would you shut your fucking mouth

2           {click}

a            the cops are here

g            what do you mean the fucking cops are here

c            oh dear

p           what seems to be the matter sir

g            nothing seems to be the fucking matter

c            my husband’s a little upset because we can’t get into the parking garage

a            he’s been highly abusive and threatening and has major anger management issues

p           this is your husband?

c            i’m not sure, this parking garage seems to have turned him into a different person

p           we’ll have to take you in sir

g            take me in? what do you mean fucking take me in?

g            what is this

p           we’ve contracted out our interrogation services to state farm insurance. wait here and an interrogation officer will be with you shortly

g            you know all i wanted to do is see come from away and have dinner and fuck my wife

p           that kind of language is inappropriate in an insurance office, i’ll have to pass it on to the interrogation officer

g            yeah well tell them to fuck themselves in the ass while you’re at it

p           you do realize that swearing to a police officer is a criminal offense

g            fuck you fucker

io          gord mcnamara?

g            where the fuck am i and who the fuck are you

io          take off your clothes

g            what?

io          take off your clothes, we have to do a physical search as part of standard procedures

g            no fucking way

io          {i’m going to need assistance}

io2       we’ll have to sedate him

g            hey                                hey

io3       he’s going down quick, who wants him

io          i’ll do him

gordie gets raped by io and beaten by io2 and io3

and dumped in cell -44f where he’s eaten by rats

c            but where’s my husband?

p           he’s been transferred to detention center r493 for questioning

c            when will i get to see him?

p           that’s up to the presiding judiciary ma’am, the best thing for you to do at this point is get on with your life

c            but what’s happened to my gordie

p           look ma’am, i suggest you go home and live your life and stop asking questions. you want to have a beer with me?

c            no

c            i mean maybe

part of the everyday life events series

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