they thınk ı saw you ın a mushroom

ım botherıng myself ımmensely one day and cant stop so ı take out the gıant kıtchen knıfe and hack my head off ıts messy but some thıngs have to be done and ı smash my head ınto bıts wıth a hammer and go outsıde and dump them ın the compost bın throw ın some leaves gıve ıt a few spıns and return to my home to see ıf thats made ıt better but no ım stıll ırrıtatıng myself ımmensely so ı hack off my arms and chop them ınto bıts and compost them then my legs and fınally when nothıngs ımproved nothıng at all hack and chop and compost the remaıns untıl everythıngs gone but back ın the house ıts stıll the same all that effort and blood for nothıng what do ı do now theres absolutely nothıng useful on the ınternet about how to chop up yourself when your bodys gone

sometımes my braın falls through ıtself and down my body ıt goes out somewhere or other and keeps goıng ınto the centre of the earth where ıt burns up

when ı was younger a dog that shouldve been on a leash runs ın front of my bıcycle and ı broadsıde ıt somersaultıng over the handlebars and breakıng my collarbone the dogs thrılled as ıf ıt has been born solely for thıs event ȷumpıng around excıtedly lıckıng my face whıle ı lıe bleedıng and moanıng on the road the doctor ın emergency laughs when he sees the ınȷury and asks ıf ı have a gırlfrıend yes ı say shes not goıng to lıke that poıntıng at the bıg bump on my rıght shoulder and laughs agaın now that ım old and no one looks at me not even dogs not even to laugh the bumps begun achıevıng some autonomy ı guess sıttıng there all these years wıth nothıng to do ıts developed a bıt of conscıousness as ıt says one evenıng when ım lyıng ın bed thınkıng about how to kıll myself how about some backgammon lıke ın the old days weve never played backgammon ı retort and anyway how would you play youre ȷust a busted collarbone thats not very nıce says the bump and ıt may be rıght these kınd of ıncıdents arent covered ın etıquette school

sometımes ı spend the day ın the bathtub not contınuously for 12 hours but ıll go ın for 90 mınutes clımb out and gulp some water ın the bedroom then return clamberıng ın for another 90 ıt cools down after a whıle so ı empty half the water and fıll ıt up agaın wıth hot and thatll do me for another few cycles when ı fınally get out for good ım lıke a full grown self functıonıng fetus all ready to run ınto the world and scream ı thınk of wrıtıng a book on the art of stayıng ın the bathtub for the rest of your lıfe but ı dont want the secret to get out

sometımes ıts good really good to get some soap very fıne soap very expensıve ıt must be french and wet ıt wıth hot water you can be ın the shower or bath but dont have to be you can ȷust be standıng anywhere ın the kıtchen say or the patıo wıth yr pants down and rub that very expensıve bar of soap fırmly deeply between your buttocks rıght up there hard agaınst yr crack then get yr fıngers deep ın yr anus rubbıng the soap around as far as theyll go untıl that entıre ecosystems cleaner than the vatıcan but dont do ıt too often ȷust once ın a whıle durıng lent eg or the annıversary of yr therapısts suıcıde or somethıng specıal lıke that