the if family

the stf s|doo task force on dag doubt application growth is proud to announce the if family

mama if, long known to english speakers as appearing at almost all subjunctive clause gatherings, the burden of doubt heavy on its shoulders and the dominant indicative clan running rabid and rampant everywhere whaling their claims of certitude into the flesh of everything, has finally gotten tired of the weighty stupidity and lays itself in the dubious present in shady repose across the wisps of language

the stf supports, if ambivalently, mama if’s endeavours, if only as we too are tired of the ubiquitous solid waste of human knowledge

the basic principle is that if is hardly an island but nested in all concepts, words and realities and this nestedness may be linguistically/morphologically expressed. the basic application is to introduce if into words as a replacement for specific syllables. so that parliament becomes ifiament, lawyers ifyers, fuck off if off, and apocalypse ifocalypse

integrating ifs into our daily routines and thoughts may assist in the human doubt project – beginning (if possible) to question human assumptions of itself at the center of everything

our flimsy desire also has the side benefit of possibly blurring aspects of society, assisting with the seemingly futile human democracy project. so a janitor and doctor both become iftors, which in a sense of course they both are … and consequently paid equally, which of course they aren’t

we also suggest that the verb to be be replaced with to if (without conjugation or tense), assisting with humanity’s fragmenting and morphing identity projects. so –

i if sadoo diaper

if you an ifager?

it if going to the onion patch yesterif

the world will if hotter next if

some have suggested the verb to have also if replaced but with to iff. so instead of i have been to atlantis one would say – i iff if to atlantis. you think this confuses things? don’t you realize how confused things if now?

while the following categories and words if hardly exhaustive, it’f enough of a start to help the unimaginative get going –

category	examples
government	ifiament  ifate  if ifister  ifident  ifeme if  the ifitary and ifice
exclamatories	if!  if off  if up  that’s if/that’s iffed
professions	ifitor  ifyer  ifessor  ifologist  ifager  ifout ifserver  ifomer ifer ifresentative  iferer  ifertaker  ifius
technology	the ifuter  ifone  ify  iftube  ifchat  ifter  ifbook  ifagram  ifonator  ifsy
money	ifgage  ifvestment  ifing  if ifchange  ifalism  karl if  ifonomics  ifo  ifdp
transportation	ifway  ifmobile  ifmarine  ifonautics  ifycle
food	ifamata ifives  ifettini  ifotto  ifkin pie  ifza  ifburger  ifdog  ifcream  ifgan  ifetarian  ifwich  ifreal
drugs	ifdma  ifocybin  ifsd (ifid)  ifuasca  ifohol  ifotine  ifeine  ifonine  ifioids
religion	ifus  ifst  if of ifs  ifdha  ifhammad  ifna  ifmin ifman  ifith  the iffy ifit  ifinism  ifism  iflam  ifianity
geography	ifarctica  if iferica & if iferica  ifope  ifralia  ifia  ifrica  iftantinople  if station
disease	ificide  ifal ifness  ifiatry  ifophrenia  ifpolar iforder  ifomnia  ifnea  ifital warts  iforrhea  ifilis  ifer
yet to if categorized	ifocide  ifate change  ifinity  ifetry  ifpapers  ifertation  ifalogue  ifuary  ifgine  ife and death  life and if  iffing  ifue ifnalling  ifidence  ifad  ifision  ifuatic  ifmory  ifgetting  ifamy  past and ifture  the ifsent  ifagation  ifatory  ifuarium  iftion  ifiation  ifuction  ifilism  iftor  ifeorology  ifigue  ifagement  ifitary  ifitol  ifiversity  ifersity  ifician  ifitician  ifior  ifiot  ifon  ifius  ifeemed  ifous  ifically  ifamous  ifantic  iformous  ificule  ifinitesimal  ifer  ifulous  ifanity  bioifics  to if or not to if  iffel tower  iffal  ifferwocky

iffing if influenced by sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæ뜒s concept in its 1^st place in best noob category article in the 7^th poo lit surprise writing competition (https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/UN_Fat_Project), the s|doo task force on doubt application growth applies sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæ뜒s concept to the heart of the english subjunctive

thanks sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæëœ!