Showing posts with label propers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label propers. Show all posts

31.12.11

Proper of Saints - Epigraph and faq






What’s my life worth?  In the end (I don’t know what end)
One man says:  “I earned three hundred thousand dollars.”
Another man says: “I earned three thousand days of glory.”
Yet another says: “I had a clear conscience and that’s enough.”
And I, should somebody ask what I did,
Will say: “Nothing except look at things,
Which is why I have the whole Universe in my pocket.”
And if God should ask: “And what did you see in things?”
I’ll answer: “Just the things themselves.  That’s all you put there.”
And God, who after all is savvy, will make me into a new kind of saint.

Fernando Pessoa




The Proper faq

What is the Proper?

  • meditations on aesthetic creation.
  • love poems to some of history’s most influential artists.
  • a celebration of form.
  • a blurring of fact and fiction.
  • an Ovidian baptism in passion and play.
  • a mythopoeic study of the relationship between art and life, spirit and flesh.
  • an exploration of the transference of values from the past age of religion to the age of art.
  • a narrative response to the questions, How are artists made? How is art made?
  • a frolicking rollicking good time.
What should I be smoking when I read it?
We recommend Montecristo No. 4, or, in the United States where Montecristos are illegal, opium.

Why should I read the Proper?
Readers have written to us with many helpful uses they’ve made of it:
·         onanistic aid
·         bowel movement regulation
·         onanistic aid
·         laxative
·         bowel movement regulation
·         onanistic aid
·         emollient.

Why was the Proper written?
As an onanistic aid.

Who should read the Proper?
Miscreants, ribalds, ministers, ex-miscreants or miscreants-in-training, ex-ribalds or ribalds-in-training, ministers.

Who is responsible?
Fred Cheever.

When is the best time to read the Proper?
7:21pm.

When was it written?
7:21pm.

How could it have been written at 7:21pm?
Inspiration.

Where is the best place to read the Proper?
On the Paris Métro, line 13, between Liège and Gabriel Péri - Asnières - Gennevilliers, bound toward Gabriel Péri - Asnières - Gennevilliers.

Where was it written?
In the southernmost cubicle in the downstairs women’s washroom at Pasha’s in London (1 Gloucester Road SW7 4PP - 0871 4260250).

How should I read the Proper?

There are many ways to read the Proper.  No one way is definitively right, but many ways could be considered gauche.
You can pretend you’re Catholic and read each Proper on its designated calendar date (e.g. Vico on January 2, Ovid on January 7, Cranmer on January 10, and so on); this has the benefit of regulating your life through a liturgical rhythm and is, frankly, the proper way to read the Proper.  The Proper has its Propers unevenly distributed so as to ensure regulation doesn’t become too much like, as they say in Germany, Verstopfung.
If you’re a libertine, however, feel free to rebel against the Catholic method.
In order to enhance reader satisfaction and meet or exceed our customer service targets, we also have below 10 “vacation tours”—specially planned trips to thematically homogeneous saintly areas to make your life easier and give you “een weinig gluur,” as they say in Amsterdam.

The Council of I’s Round Table
Auden, Yeats, Sophocles, Chaucer, Solomon, Plato, Sterne, Montaigne or G Eliot, Homer, Carroll, Nietzsche, Malfeasance of Epics

The Freudian
Tchaikovsky, Austen, Sappho, Kafka, Auden, Caravaggio, Kierkegaard, Hopkins, Eckhart-Weil, Woolf, da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rilke, Van Gogh, G Eliot, Borges

The Irish-American
Auden, Hitchcock, Frost, Yeats, Gould, McCarthy, Kubrick, Melville, TS Eliot, Joyce

The Athens-Jerusalem
David, Euripides, John, Plato, Sophocles, Homer, Paul, Sappho, Aeschylus, Isaiah, Job, Heraclitus, Moses

The Lunatic
Velazquez-Vermeer, da Vinci, Blake, Gould, Dickens, Isaiah, Malfeasance of Bach, Job, Beatles, Sterne, Malfeasance of the Three Weird Sisters, Moses

The B List
Bach, Baudelaire, Beatles, Beethoven, Bergman, Blake, Borges, Bosch, Brueghel, Malfeasance of Bach, Malfeasance of Beasts

The Patricide
Augustine, AA Milne, Hardy, Diderot, Bosch, Tolstoy, Baudelaire, Racine, Cervantes, Durer, Montaigne, Rimbaud

The Very Sexual
Auden, Sophocles, Hardy, Rimbaud, Sterne, Ovid, Joyce, Pushkin, Malfeasance of Epics, Aeschylus, Chuang Tzu, Euripides

The Sexual
Tolkien, Auden, Caravaggio, David, Cranmer, Goethe, Bosch, Lao Tzu, Nietzsche, Heraclitus, Racine, Tchaikovsky, AA Milne, Sappho, Donne, Hitchcock, Vitruvius, John, Paul, Dante, Cervantes, Plato, Job, Malfeasance of Children, Auden

The Road Less Travelled
Chekov, Milton, Rembrandt, Dostoevsky, Handel, Haussmann, Mozart, Shakespeare, Vico

30.12.11

Index to the Proper of Saints - By Genre, Nation, and Time


Literature
Sainted Name, Nationality, Century
St. Moses, Mythmonger and Creator of Creation
Hebrew                                    BCE 15
St. Job, Saint of Saints                                                             Hebrew                                           14
St. David, Poet and King                                                          Hebrew                                           11
St. Solomon, Sage and King                                                    Hebrew                                           10
St. Isaiah of the Vatic Perfections                                           Hebrew                                             8
St. Homer, Primal Bard                                                          Greek                                                7
St. Sappho, Primal Lovebard                                                   Greek                                                6
St. Hairy Clitoris, Primal Philosopher                                     Greek                                                6
St. Aeschylus, Warrior and Playwright                                   Greek                                                5
St. Sophocles, Playwright                                                        Greek                                                5
St. Euripides, Humanist & Playwright                                     Greek                                                5
St. Tzu, Mirrorist and Sage                                                     Chinese                                             4
St. Play-Doh, Chief Philosopher                                              Greek                                                4
St. Tzu, Pomo Bandit                                                               Chinese                                             4
St. Publius, Mythmonger                                                        Roman                                       BCE 1
St. Paul, Zealot and Pragmatic Transcendentalist                 Roman                                         CE 1
St. John the Divine, God’s Beloved and Lover of Words         Hebrew                                             1
St. Augustine, Hippo of Bishops                                              Roman                                               4
St. Johann-Simone, Mystic and Martyr
German-French                               13
St. Alighieri of Beatrice                                                          Italian                                              13
St. Geoff, Chief Flatulator                                                       English                                             14
St. Thomas and the BCPs                                                        English                                             16
St. Eyquem, Essayist, Skeptic, Realist, Humanist, Stoic, Condemnatist
French            16
St. Saavedra, Cripple of Lepanto
and of Dulcinea Del Toboso, Queen of Women
Spanish                                            16
St. William, Chief Bard                                                           English                                             16
St. John of the Liminal Lips                                                     English                                             17
St. John the Lady of the Devil’s Party                                     English                                             17
St. Jean, Playwright-Poet                                                        French                                             17
St. Battista of the Holy Recurso                                              Italian                                              18
St. Denis of Enlightened Largesse, Poetic Journalism &
Encyclopedic Acceptance                                                   French                                             18
St. Laurence, Comic Skeptic and Innovator                            English                                             18
St. Wolfgang of the Aphoristic Werthers                               German                                           18
St. William of Emanuel and Immanuel                                  English                                             18
St. Jane of the Bourgeois Supremacy                                     English                                             18
St. Sergeyevich of the Serene Order of Cuckolds                   Russian                                            19
St. Boz Huffam, Fatalist and Sentimentalist                           English                                             19
St. SK, Knight of Infinite Faith and Finite Love                        Danish                                             19
St. Herman, Mythmonger                                                       American                                        19
St. George, Novelist                                                                English                                             19
St. Charles of the Desiccating Virgin                                      French                                             19
St. Fyodor of Our Fulminations
Russian                                            19
St. Leo of Our Contradictions
Russian                                            19
St. Lewis, of Mirrors and Alice, and Ludwidge, son of Charles
English            19
St. Thomas of the Tragic Destinies                                         English                                             19
St. Manley, Christian                                                              English                                             19
St. Antichrist, Philosopher, Psychologist, Friedrich                German                                           19
St. Arthur, Scatologist, Son of the Devil                                  French                                             19
St. Anton of the Gentle Brutal Insights                                   Russian                                            19
St. William, Mythmonger, Silliman, and Poet                        Irish                                                 20
St. Frost, Poet                                                                          American                                        20
St. Maria, Angelologist                                                           German                                           20
St. Alan Alexander of Daphne and Vespers                            English                                             20
St. Adeline, Pioneer Poet of the Female Spirit                       English                                             20
St. Joyce of the Holy Bloomers                                               Irish                                                 20
St. Franz, Doctor of Law                                                          Bohemian                                        20
St. Thomas, Poet
American-English                            20
St. R. Reuel, Mythmonger                                                      English                                             20
St. Jorges Borges, Mirrorist, Labyrinthist, and Librarian       Argentinian                                     20
St. Wystan, Poet
English-American                            20
St. Cormac, Mythmonger and Judge                                      American                                        20
                                                                                                
Painting
St. El Bosco, Hell Guide                                                           Dutch                                         CE 15
St. Gherardini, Bastard                                                           Italian                                              15
St. Albrecht, The Devout                                                         German                                           15
St. Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, He Who Overcometh          Italian                                              16
St. Pieter, The Accepting                                                        Dutch                                               16
St. Michelangelo of Desperate Fears and Desolate Tenderness
Italian            16
St. Harmenszoon, the Compassionate                                    Dutch                                               17
St. Johannes Diego, Presence and Absence
Dutch-Spanish                                 17
St. Vincent, Painter                                                                 Dutch                                               19

Music
St. Georg, Composer
German-English                         CE 18
St. Johann, Chief Musician and God’s Own Son Most Truly
German                                           18
St. Joannes Chrysostomus Nobilis Dominus Leopoldus Lamprecht Capellanus Civicus Theophilus Pergmayr Senator Wolfgangus Wolfgango Wolfgang Trazom Amadeo Amadè Amade Adam Gottlieb Mzt Mozartus Aulae Musicus et Maria Anna Pertlin coniuges et Mercator Civicus pro tempore sponsus,
Composer
German                                           18
St. Beet-Beat, Composer
German-Austrian                            18
St. Pyotr Ilyich Lebedinoe Ozero, Composer                          Russian                                            19
St. Glenn, Pianist                                                                     Canadian                                         20
St. Bug, Patron of Our Flesh                                                   English                                             20

Other
St. Marcus V. Pollio, Codifier and Architect                           Roman                                       BCE 1
St. Georges-Eugène Paris, Destroyer                                     French                                        CE 19
St. Joseph, Director
English-American                            20
St. Ingmar, Director                                                                Swedish                                           20
St. Stan, Director
American-English                            20

29.12.11

Index to the Proper of Saints - By Saint


A – C

Aeschylus         St. Aeschylus, Warrior and Playwright
August 24

Augustine          St. Augustine, Hippo of Bishops
August 28

Auden                St. Wystan, Poet
February 10

Austen              St. Jane of the Bourgeois Supremacy
March 22

Bach                St. Johann, Chief Musician and God’s
                               Own Son Most Truly
July 28

Baudelaire      St. Charles of the Desiccating Virgin
October 11

Beatles          St. Bug, Patron of Our Flesh
June 18

Beethoven     St. Beet-Beat, Composer
November 18

Bergman        St. Ingmar, Director
November 22

Blake              St. William of Emanuel and Immanuel
March 29

Borges          St. Jorges Borges, Mirrorist, Labyrinthist and Librarian
February 29

Bosch           St. El Bosco, Hell Guide
November 11

Brueghel       St. Pieter, The Accepting
Free Time

Caravaggio   St. Michelangelo of Desperate Fears and
                              Desolate Tenderness
September 17

Lewis Carroll     St. Lewis of Mirrors and Alice, and Ludwidge,
                                   son of Charles
July 4

Cervantes      St. Saavedra, Cripple of Lepanto and of Dulcinea del Toboso,
                                    Queen of Women
September 29

Chaucer        St. Geoff, Chief Flatulator
November 5

Chekov       St. Pavlovich of the Gentle Brutal Insights
September 10

Chuang Tzu   St. Tzu, Pomo Bandit
February 15

Thomas Cranmer   St. Thomas and the BCPs
January 10

D – F

Dante        St. Alighieri of Beatrice
June 19

David       St. David, Poet and King
November 26

Dickens     St. Boz Huffam, Fatalist and Sentimentalist
March 3

Diderot     St. Denis of Enlightened Largesse, Poetic
                       Journalism & Encyclopedic Acceptance
January 23

Donne        St. John of the Liminal Lips
August 15

Dostoevsky   St. Fyodor of our Darkest Fulminations
November 16

Dürer         St. Albrecht, The Devout
September 22

Eckhart/Weil    St. Johann-Simone, Mystic and Martyr
April 22

G Eliot      St. George, Novelist
March 16

TS Eliot     St. Thomas, Poet
May 8

Euripides     St. Euripides, Humanist and Playwright
February 28

Frost      St. Frost, Poet
July 8

G – K

Goethe       St. Wolfgang of the Aphoristic Werthers
January 15

Gould        St. Glenn, Pianist
Free Time

Handel     St. Georg, Composer
November 3

Hardy      St. Thomas of the Tragic Destinies
November 27

Haussmann    St. Georges-Eugène Paris, Destroyer
Free Time

Heraclitus  St. Hairy Clitoris, Primal Philosopher
April 24

Hitchcock   St. Joseph, Director
November 24

Homer      St. Homer, Primal Bard
March 11

Hopkins    St. Manley, Christian
December 7

Isaiah     St. Isaiah of the Vatic Perfections
July 18

Job      St. Job, Saint of Saints
June 21

John     St. John the Divine, God’s Beloved and Lover of Words
September 23

Joyce    St. Joyce of the Holy Bloomers
June 16

Kafka      St. Franz, Doctor of Law
September 14

Kierkegaard     St. SK, Knight of Infinite Faith and Finite Love
November 13

Kubrick      St. Stan, Director
September 9

L – O

Lao Tzu    St. Tzu, Mirrorist and Sage
October 25

McCarthy  St. Cormac, Mythmonger and Judge
September 11

Melville     St. Herman, Mythmonger
February 23

Michelangelo   St. Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni,
                                  He Who Overcometh
September 3

AA Milne  St. Alan Alexander of Daphne and Vespers
January 31

Milton    St. John the Lady of the Devil’s Party
April 27

Montaigne   St. Eyquem, Essayist, Skeptic, Realist,
                           Humanist, Stoic, Condemnatist
November 1

Moses     St. Moses, Mythmonger and Creator of Creation
March 20

Mozart      St. Joannes Chrysostomus Nobilis
                   Dominus Leopoldus Lamprecht
                    Capellanus Civicus Theophilus
                      Pergmayr Senator Wolfgangus
                        Wolfgango Wolfgang Trazom
                         Amadeo Amadè Amade Adam
                          Gottlieb Mzt Mozartus Aulae
                           Musicus et Maria Anna
                            Pertlin coniuges et
                             Mercator Civicus pro
                              tempore sponsus,
                               Composer
September 12

Nietzsche  St. Antichrist, Philosopher, Psychologist,
                       Friedrich
September 8

Ovid      St. Publius, Mythmonger
January 7

P – S

Paul     St. Paul, Zealot and Pragmatic Transcendentalist
June 29

Plato      St. Play-Doh, Chief Philosopher
March 6

Pushkin    St. Sergeyevich of the Serene Order of Cuckolds
October 5

Racine      St. Jean, Playwright-poet
June 17

Rembrandt    St. Harmenszoon, the Compassionate
November 20

Rilke      St. Maria, Angelologist
February 5

Rimbaud    St. Arthur, Scatologist, Son of the Devil
July 12

Shakespeare   St. William, Chief Bard
April 23

Sappho     St. Sappho, Primal Lovebard
July 3

Solomon    St. Solomon, Sage and King
February 21

Sophocles    St. Sophocles, Playwright
December 3

Sterne       St. Laurence, Comic Skeptic and Innovator
March 9

T – Z

Tchaikovsky    St. Pyotr Ilyich Lebedinoe Ozero, Composer
March 17

Tolkien      St. R. Reuel, Mythmonger
July 21

Tolstoy     St. Lev of Our Contradictions
August 15

Van Gogh  St. Vincent, Painter
February 9

Velazquez-Vermeer    St. Johannes Diego, Presence and Absence
August 15

Vico     St. Battista of the Holy Recurso
January 2

da Vinci   St. Gherardini, Bastard
July 13

Vitrivius   St. Marcus V. Pollio, Codifier and Architect
February 2

Woolf       St. Adeline, Pioneer Poet of the Female Spirit
February 22

Yeats     St. William, Mythmonger, Silliman, Poet
January 19

Malfeasances

Anonymous Saints
December 13

Bach
March 15

Beasts
May 15

Children
January 13

Creation
November 13

Epics
July 15

Gods
October 15

Lesser Saints
April 13

Shakespeare
September 13

The Three Weird Sisters
August 13

Translators
February 13

Women
June 13