the if family

the stf s|doo task force on dag doubt application growth is proud to announce the if family

mama if, long known to english speakers as appearing at almost all subjunctive clause gatherings, the burden of doubt heavy on its shoulders and the dominant indicative clan running rabid and rampant everywhere whaling their claims of certitude into the flesh of everything, has finally gotten tired of the weighty stupidity and lays itself in the dubious present in shady repose across the wisps of language

the stf supports, if ambivalently, mama if’s endeavours, if only as we too are tired of the ubiquitous solid waste of human knowledge

the basic principle is that if is hardly an island but nested in all concepts, words and realities and this nestedness may be linguistically/morphologically expressed. the basic application is to introduce if into words as a replacement for specific syllables. so that parliament becomes ifiament, lawyers ifyers, fuck off if off, and apocalypse ifocalypse

integrating ifs into our daily routines and thoughts may assist in the human doubt project – beginning (if possible) to question human assumptions of itself at the center of everything

our flimsy desire also has the side benefit of possibly blurring aspects of society, assisting with the seemingly futile human democracy project. so a janitor and doctor both become iftors, which in a sense of course they both are … and consequently paid equally, which of course they aren’t

we also suggest that the verb to be be replaced with to if (without conjugation or tense), assisting with humanity’s fragmenting and morphing identity projects. so –

i if sadoo diaper

if you an ifager?

it if going to the onion patch yesterif

the world will if hotter next if

some have suggested the verb to have also if replaced but with to iff. so instead of i have been to atlantis one would say – i iff if to atlantis. you think this confuses things? don’t you realize how confused things if now?

while the following categories and words if hardly exhaustive, it’f enough of a start to help the unimaginative get going –

category	examples
government	ifiament  ifate  if ifister  ifident  ifeme if  the ifitary and ifice
exclamatories	if!  if off  if up  that’s if/that’s iffed
professions	ifitor  ifyer  ifessor  ifologist  ifager  ifout ifserver  ifomer ifer ifresentative  iferer  ifertaker  ifius
technology	the ifuter  ifone  ify  iftube  ifchat  ifter  ifbook  ifagram  ifonator  ifsy
money	ifgage  ifvestment  ifing  if ifchange  ifalism  karl if  ifonomics  ifo  ifdp
transportation	ifway  ifmobile  ifmarine  ifonautics  ifycle
food	ifamata ifives  ifettini  ifotto  ifkin pie  ifza  ifburger  ifdog  ifcream  ifgan  ifetarian  ifwich  ifreal
drugs	ifdma  ifocybin  ifsd (ifid)  ifuasca  ifohol  ifotine  ifeine  ifonine  ifioids
religion	ifus  ifst  if of ifs  ifdha  ifhammad  ifna  ifmin ifman  ifith  the iffy ifit  ifinism  ifism  iflam  ifianity
geography	ifarctica  if iferica & if iferica  ifope  ifralia  ifia  ifrica  iftantinople  if station
disease	ificide  ifal ifness  ifiatry  ifophrenia  ifpolar iforder  ifomnia  ifnea  ifital warts  iforrhea  ifilis  ifer
yet to if categorized	ifocide  ifate change  ifinity  ifetry  ifpapers  ifertation  ifalogue  ifuary  ifgine  ife and death  life and if  iffing  ifue ifnalling  ifidence  ifad  ifision  ifuatic  ifmory  ifgetting  ifamy  past and ifture  the ifsent  ifagation  ifatory  ifuarium  iftion  ifiation  ifuction  ifilism  iftor  ifeorology  ifigue  ifagement  ifitary  ifitol  ifiversity  ifersity  ifician  ifitician  ifior  ifiot  ifon  ifius  ifeemed  ifous  ifically  ifamous  ifantic  iformous  ificule  ifinitesimal  ifer  ifulous  ifanity  bioifics  to if or not to if  iffel tower  iffal  ifferwocky

iffing if influenced by sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæ뜒s concept in its 1^st place in best noob category article in the 7^th poo lit surprise writing competition (https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/UN_Fat_Project), the s|doo task force on doubt application growth applies sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæ뜒s concept to the heart of the english subjunctive

thanks sadoo måñgętøūt-rėæëœ!

time for a new time

it’s time  on apocalypse's cusp  after 2173 years of weary domination of the romanjuliangregorian calendar  all its attendant societalcultural horrors we euphemistically call civilization  these days with the sun and moon as irrelevant as horned combat helmets and everything lit up like gonads during froshweek  with 0 finally having wormed its way from the mudbottoms of the cesspools of fear into the most truthful formulae that rule society  with physicists and mystics equally confused about what time is whether it exists and if it does what shape or shapes it assumes even as we measure this thing we’re more ignorant of than ever with a thoroughly embarrassing precision  in the midst of a global confusion and genocide so vast we inanely cling to our phones as if they were rosaries  with the clock so molecularly integrated into our viscera we can’t stop talking and productivity though we don’t know what it means enshrined on the wasted altars of our littered souls like a vomitorium of gargoyles  for a new calendar

fortunately the unun (the deprivation of the UN through an anarchist disassembly under an onion patch somewhere in the fourth world) has shakily commissioned such a venture and this consortium of sadoos has seized it like a dissonance of ghouls exiled from unreliable deserts

while sadoos aren't known for agreeing (or disagreeing) on much other than asparagus4fungigarlicrisotto a draft set of principles has emerged (its methods veracity basis all possibly suspect though its implementability true and sound) for discussion purposes. now’s your unique chance to provide input to humanity’s next method of organizing days designed with reality – and much less – in mind

here’s your chance to be heard in new time. provide feedback to sadoo while they waft in stochastic deliberation 2001 metres past the eryanghuagoubanpodafengdong entrance of the shuanghedong system. bring absinthe acid psilocybin samichlaus ayahuasca hash mdma sextoys cubancigars coffee sprulpas mastabas podoms atziluts

1. all acknowledgement of  references or relations to  groundings in historic and traditional lunar and/or solar realities are to be strictly omitted : these cycles were relevant to an agrarian society in which humans as meat wandered earth and knew the skies as well as their wechuges but have become irrelevant and shameful in this era of perpetual light and technological orbit
2. with the human clearly now at the center of the universe and each human ego with similar clarity at the center of the human  the subjectivity of each i must be fully integrated with time’s tracking. a subcommittee's been struck to envision this integration and enact a proof of concept with early discussions suggesting a key input to the calendar being an amalgam of nine identity markers  some of these being themselves amalgamata … the specifications for this input alone are expected to be substantial and alliances to this end have been forged with certain task forces of the uniso
3. with each advance it becomes more obvious how ignorant humans are – this ignorance increasing in direct proportion to a matter's importance – including our increasing inability to have any idea what time is … so any calendar will build into itself our ignorance and not just this but it increasing
4. upon examination of the scores of calendars in past or present existence the tedious sameness of them all becomes readily apparent. while there are scattered minor exceptions (islam mayan dreamspell russian attic frenchrevolution bahá'í muisca javanese) the only exception of note is the pawukon which consequently informs our calendar to the extent of its brilliance. we strive for cycles that are endless unanchored unaccountable climaxless disaccumulating unconsumable  minimizing calendars that retain the primary structural clichés or only innovate in names (pataphysical nisga’a) using the latter for nomenclature play but not for structural inspiration
5. the new calendar should align itself with the complexity of our present lives  incorporating for example sufficient swathes of the world that it should on average take at least a day to figure out what the calendar for that day looks like
6. 0  so absent from previous representations of moving time  presents itself and those historic 1s through 9s (so stolidly dominant) begin to share with their oldyoung relative of consummate absence : womb of imaginative verve and dark deplosions
7. diversity and polypolarity  while largely virtuesignalling in society  become manifest and embodied in our calendar such that if there are weeks and days and/or other cycles of whatever names (for surely there are no months or years) there shall be hardly one of each but many. time comprises myriad ways and we fragments of time shall in our pathetically nanominiscule condition have at least an occasional sensation of an illusion of semblance of freedom in all our endless pervasive incarcerations
8. following from 7 and overlapping with it but sufficiently distinct to merit its own principle : the interplay of volition (order) chance (disorder) and fate (anaorder) will play this calendar’s play
9. each human shall be provided by its central government a visual polydimensional construction of the human’s new calendar at no cost to the individual unless it makes more than the equivalent of $100000 then it shall be forced to pay $10000 – a prototype of which is presently being developed – which shall be used as the game of calendar and in figuring out where time is (for we know now we don’t and can’t know what it is)
10. our calendar avoids social religious commercial administrative purposes  creating purposelessness as the capital of its geography … raising a core point that any viable calendar must just be space (see 9)
11. calendar now avoids calling out  whether for debt or just for calling (and hardly yelling). there's no settlement no books no register no collection no account no reckoning. it's less a kalend calō – any solemnity summon cry – than a callooh callay and so it may be named not calendar but calloohar  each unit therein a callayday or just a chortle or kahlua or a jab