MY ƏLD LEIGH GOSHE

The invitation to the meeting had been distributed, oddly, in the middle of the night, a practice that would have been viewed as mildly gauche.

 

 To:      istes Holoway

            Xie Xia

            Double yOu dee Cr*sh

            Urt

            Peday Conjaju

            Merci d’avoir fait votre part.

            coose-coose-loose ˈ loose

            1.800.456.1191

                        @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ @  @    @       @                    @                        @        @  

From:   ude eer

Re:       Status Meeting

Kindly be reminded that our next Status Meeting is scheduled for Tuesday September 21 in Space 231-C at 1400h.  Light snacks will be provided.

The agenda and necessary ancillaries will be posted in StatUp shortly; as usual, any information regarding regrets or substitutions should be communicated to Merilla in Space.

Team members should be reminded that PMRFs (project modification request forms) are required to be communicated to the PMO no later than Friday 2000h.  There are to be no exceptions.  Because of target exceeding in August, code sheets are optional.

 

istes didn’t know what to think.  It worked its way over to Urt’s pod and angled its words accordingly, knowing the histories of Urt’s orientations in similar circumstances all too well.

Nice mug Urt.

What’s up?

Are you going skiing this weekend?

What’s up istes?

Just chatting.  Pod boredom.

It’s the meeting.

Merci d’avoir fait votre part. won’t like it.

Does it ever?

Right.

But it is the third time.

Right.

Urt paused and laid its mug on the recyclings, shaking slightly.  So?

So.

Funny.  I would have thought you’d have shown later.

That’s not the point Urt.  You know it.

You were trying to surprise me.

No.  No surprises.  You can’t be surprised.

Everyone can be surprised.

Has Xie Xia?

OK.  Everyone but Xie Xia.  Why is that?

It’s taken more module training.

I don’t think that’s it.

What is it then?

I think it’s its units.

Or profits or habits.

Or credits or debits.

Benefits.  Or spirits or limits or merits or deposits or …

Stop.  Stop it.  Or rabbits.

It’s hard.

Let’s stop.

You started it.

Go istes.  Go.  No more games.  We’ll deal with this on Tuesday.

Back in its pod, istes became more pleased with the conversation with Urt than it had thought.  While no resolutions had been obviously forthcoming, istes felt as if an understanding had been tangentially developed which could result in resolutions.  Urt hadn’t shut down.  The testiness at the end wasn’t real.  The references to Xie Xia were binding.  Merci d’avoir fait votre part. might be able to be systematized under certain conditions.  istes experienced joy.  It had been the right move.  Tuesday would come.

***

Xie Xia was the first to arrive, with ude eer ensconced in the authorized status post, monitoring the arrivals.

Xie Xia, ude eer said.

ude, said Xie Xia.

Xie Xia placed itself and made a move to grab a stalk of les prés garder but then withdrew, sensing more arrivings.

ude eer was greeted by ude or eer, and ude eer greeted each arrival in turn from her asp, until each was placed and stalks had been obtained and the meeting was called forth.

Have you been skiing? ude eer asked, and Urt was known to be asked.

I have not been skiing but this weekend offers possibilities, Urt tactfully responded.

Skiing offers possibilities, ude eer said.

Skiing offers possibilities, the project team said together.  While Urt was resented for this by some, particularly 1.800.456.1191 and Peday Conjaju, the majority received the repetition neutrally and oriented themselves toward the affirmation, shifting dynamics and, slightly, the future.

Bandits, said Urt.

istes almost crashed.  It had been wrong about Urt.  The testiness was real.  An understanding hadn’t been developed.  Urt had appeared to not shut down.  istes de-experienced joy and began decommissioning.

Let us sing the song, said ude eer.

The project members switched to song mode and retrieved the song.

     More than ever this is what i think

     more than ever this is what i do

     more than ever more than ever

     ever is more than evermore

They cycled through the pronouns, according to the Malaka-Nwert Standard—i, we, they, which, yours, whoms, codas of repeated i’s.  istes had always found the MNS Standard particularly satisfying; it went across memory to the space where the MNS Standard is in a meadow with monarchs and high and super fluffy clouds and white pythons melted on themselves, and humming.

I’d like to put a point on the table, said ista.

Let us subject the putting to the table, said ude eer.  Puter.

It should be Putter.

No.  Putter is non-standard.  You are not current on your utts and ees, @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ @  @    @       @                    @                        @        @, said ude eer.  You have been asked to leave.

I request exceptions, said       @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @  @    @       @                    @                        @        .

Are exceptions granted? asked ude eer.

ude has the gonads, Merci d’avoir fait votre part. said.

eer has the gonads, coose-coose-loose ˈ loose repeated.

ude eer has the gonads, the project team chorused.

She has the gonads, ude eer said, causing certain stirs and leakings.  You have been asked to leave.

It wasn’t an easy leaving.  @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @  @    @       @                    @                        @        @’s dimensions didn’t fully conform (a point of discussion even at the time in Onsk, which would, though not part of our story, result in a recall of an aapstert and one or two schniks and a consideration of the nature and function of further miukumaukus), and the meeting grew unruly for a time, and more stalks became required and obtained and obtained, which caused further unsettlings.  In short, almost everyone wished @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ (@)  @    @                           @                        @ had become familiar with its utts and ees.

Puter, said ude eer.

Double yOu dee Cr*sh cleared itself.  I put, it said.

What do you put? the team members asked.

I put put, said Double yOu dee Cr*sh.

What do you put put?

I put put put.

What do you put put put?

I put put put put.

What do you …

Enough, said ude eer.  What is the resolution?

ista is facilitated, said Double yOu dee Cr*sh.

ista, said ude eer.

In cycling through the pronouns under the MNS Standard, began ista, …

Exception, a number said.

An obvious exception, said ude eer.

ista awkwarded.  It hadn’t been the best of times after all.

In this case we grant the exception, said ude eer, before the non-standard, itself non-standard, a legitimacy foreordained.  Continue ista.

In cycling through the pronouns under the MNS, began ista, we have been asked to consider the amateurishness of professionalism, jurisprudence, footbag, aardvark, Lee Valley, Rochefort, Kunstwerkstücksache, widget, tiling (as gerundation), hiiri, hiiret, миш, мишеви, ilygoden, ilygod, ਮਾਊਸ ਨੂੰ, ਮਾਊਸ, nas, Durban, nas, ụmụ oke, …

The point has been puted.  We subject it, said ude eer.

The project team subjected.  ista stalked.

Let us sing the song, ude eer said after the requisites.

The project members switched to song mode and retrieved the song.

     More is or but for the ore

     less is and and evermore

     ravens is as sows does

     does don’t do what poets was or bows

Puter? said ude eer.

There are objects and subjects, said Double yOu dee Cr*sh.

Is there resolution? said ude eer.

There is resolution, said Double yOu dee Cr*sh.

What is the resolution? said ude eer.

The resolution is that the considering is become the de-considering.

Skiing offers possibilities, the project team said together.

Skiing offers possibilities, the project team said together. 

***

Back in its pod, ista considered the de-considering, the events as a whole and fragmented, Urt’s urting, the exceptions and leaving and recalling and furthers, reviewed its utts and ees, retrieved some songs, thought of les prés garder, veered away from gonads, მაუსიd a little, slept.

Angling then into Urt’s pod again, it said, ...

Don’t say it, said Urt.

Everything’s going to be ok, said ista.

We ski, said Urt.

We ski, said ista.

We ski, they said, the two its said.

We ski.

And when the next invitation arrived, distributed, less oddly, in the middle of the night, mores were not unaltered, and ista received hopes that the puting of its considering would be resolutioned, that the angling of Urt would be arced, and that joy would be distributed and Tuesday would come again.

February 13 - Malfeasance of Translators

A court is in session.  There is a judge, a crown, defense, and a room full of press and spectators.  The defendants are on a bridge suspended between two voids, walking from one end to the other.  Each has a bucket, which he dips into the blackness at each end and proceeds to walk to the other end and pour the contents of the bucket out.

Judge         The charges are heresy, blasphemy, murder, and treason.  Crown, proceed with the accusation.

Crown        What are these flippy-flops on this flimsy bridge?  What crass carousers cross its clumsy tines?  Are they dilettantes?  Dual citizens?  Losers?  Asylum rejects?  Mercenaries?  Frauds?  Are they saints?  Parasaints?  Neosaints?  Antisaints?  Demisaints?

                  No, demons of the jury, they are piranhas, piranhas only, eternally piranhas. Look at them, neither here nor there; thieving always, faithful never, they walk the road to truth … one lie at a time.  These false usurping friends betray their origins and prepare a bed of indolence for saccharine tourists who then confuse an ocean with a wading pool.

They hammer masks on masks.  They establish masquerades of words on floors of deception. They hang mirrors of names onto walls of imprecision.  Neither themselves nor another, they compose simulacra of creation in the name of accessibility and compromise.  Are these principles the principles of art?  No¾they are the principles of prostitution.  The defendants are common whores.

Taking no responsibility, they hide behind the name others have constructed with their lives and use the travel notes of saints to discover what reality is like.

For erring against the purity of origins,

For dragging sainted names to imperfection,

For slaughtering intent, meaning and syntax,

For betraying the essence of the land they’re from and the one they’re fleeing to

These traitors, shams and cowards are nothing other than guilty in the first degree of all four charges.

Defense     I would like to suggest that the Crown’s words require some translation.  I would, in fact, like to suggest something more¾that we all are translators, that to be human is to translate¾yes, even that our species’ task above all else is translation.  This is what we ceaselessly do.  The only difference between those of us in court and those walking the bridge is that we are dilettantes and they are professionals.  I went to a dinner party at my Aunt Frida’s last night.  My Aunt Frida loves television and my uncle loves the cinema.  Friends¾I love both and spent the night translating between them.  By the end, they were like two newlyweds who felt they each were understood.  And I thought¾even I am a translator.  Perhaps you work in one of the world’s great bureaucracies¾all you do is translation.  Between lawyers and clients, HR and marketing professionals, technologists and politicians. You’re a priest?  You translate between God and man.  A mechanic?  Between people and machines.  A farmer?  Between tomatoes and the soil. A seducer?  Between desire and action.

                  I assure you all that none of us would survive even an hour of our lives without the translation services of everyone around us.  We would be zombies, fools, infants¾unable to tell even our left hand from our right.

                  But whereas we translate for survival, friends, those on the bridge translate for a higher purpose.  Do they reach perfection?  No, but as the Council of I instructs us, even saints do not.  Perfection is a category of the imagination. The defendants may not be saints, but this is no reason to accuse them¾few are saints, but many are the sinners who walk the earth.  The defendants, though, walk neither in the Heaven and Hell of sainthood nor on the solid earth of sinners, but on the bridge between two great nothings.  Animating the dead and dying, moving art-chunks across time and space without regard for physics, history, or geography, they do this selflessly … from love.

                  For upholding the only task humans have,

                  For sacrificing their names to another,

                  For resurrecting the inanimate and giving life to what would otherwise be dead,

                  For giving their allegiance to every just claimant

                  These valiant citizens of everywhere and nowhere are innocent of all charges laid against them and should go free.

Judge         I have listened to the evidence and have determined that the defendants are not-guilty and guilty.  The penalty is thus both life and death.  Half the defendants are sentenced to be thrown into the abyss at dawn, the other half to wander back and forth on the bridge forever.  Their fate shall be decided by a coin toss.  To ensure that the crown and defense share in the defendants’ fate and thus are bound to their claims, one shall be chosen by the same method and executed immediately.  Court is adjourned.