Index to the Proper of Saints - By Saint

A – C

Aeschylus         St. Aeschylus, Warrior and Playwright

August 24

Augustine          St. Augustine, Hippo of Bishops

August 28

Auden                St. Wystan, Poet

February 10

Austen              St. Jane of the Bourgeois Supremacy

March 22

Bach                St. Johann, Chief Musician and God’s

                               Own Son Most Truly

July 28

Baudelaire      St. Charles of the Desiccating Virgin

October 11

Beatles          St. Bug, Patron of Our Flesh

June 18

Beethoven     St. Beet-Beat, Composer

November 18

Bergman        St. Ingmar, Director

November 22

Blake              St. William of Emanuel and Immanuel

March 29

Borges          St. Jorges Borges, Mirrorist, Labyrinthist and Librarian

February 29

Bosch           St. El Bosco, Hell Guide

November 11

Brueghel       St. Pieter, The Accepting

Free Time

Caravaggio   St. Michelangelo of Desperate Fears and

                              Desolate Tenderness

September 17

Lewis Carroll     St. Lewis of Mirrors and Alice, and Ludwidge,

                                   son of Charles

July 4

Cervantes      St. Saavedra, Cripple of Lepanto and of Dulcinea del Toboso,

                                    Queen of Women

September 29

Chaucer        St. Geoff, Chief Flatulator

November 5

Chekov       St. Pavlovich of the Gentle Brutal Insights

September 10

Chuang Tzu   St. Tzu, Pomo Bandit

February 15

Thomas Cranmer   St. Thomas and the BCPs

January 10

D – F

Dante        St. Alighieri of Beatrice

June 19

David       St. David, Poet and King

November 26

Dickens     St. Boz Huffam, Fatalist and Sentimentalist

March 3

Diderot     St. Denis of Enlightened Largesse, Poetic

                       Journalism & Encyclopedic Acceptance

January 23

Donne        St. John of the Liminal Lips

August 15

Dostoevsky   St. Fyodor of our Darkest Fulminations

November 16

Dürer         St. Albrecht, The Devout

September 22

Eckhart/Weil    St. Johann-Simone, Mystic and Martyr

April 22

G Eliot      St. George, Novelist

March 16

TS Eliot     St. Thomas, Poet

May 8

Euripides     St. Euripides, Humanist and Playwright

February 28

Frost      St. Frost, Poet

July 8

G – K

Goethe       St. Wolfgang of the Aphoristic Werthers

January 15

Gould        St. Glenn, Pianist

Free Time

Handel     St. Georg, Composer

November 3

Hardy      St. Thomas of the Tragic Destinies

November 27

Haussmann    St. Georges-Eugène Paris, Destroyer

Free Time

Heraclitus  St. Hairy Clitoris, Primal Philosopher

April 24

Hitchcock   St. Joseph, Director

November 24

Homer      St. Homer, Primal Bard

March 11

Hopkins    St. Manley, Christian

December 7

Isaiah     St. Isaiah of the Vatic Perfections

July 18

Job      St. Job, Saint of Saints

June 21

John     St. John the Divine, God’s Beloved and Lover of Words

September 23

Joyce    St. Joyce of the Holy Bloomers

June 16

Kafka      St. Franz, Doctor of Law

September 14

Kierkegaard     St. SK, Knight of Infinite Faith and Finite Love

November 13

Kubrick      St. Stan, Director

September 9

L – O

Lao Tzu    St. Tzu, Mirrorist and Sage

October 25

McCarthy  St. Cormac, Mythmonger and Judge

September 11

Melville     St. Herman, Mythmonger

February 23

Michelangelo   St. Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni,

                                  He Who Overcometh

September 3

AA Milne  St. Alan Alexander of Daphne and Vespers

January 31

Milton    St. John the Lady of the Devil’s Party

April 27

Montaigne   St. Eyquem, Essayist, Skeptic, Realist,

                           Humanist, Stoic, Condemnatist

November 1

Moses     St. Moses, Mythmonger and Creator of Creation

March 20

Mozart      St. Joannes Chrysostomus Nobilis

                   Dominus Leopoldus Lamprecht

                    Capellanus Civicus Theophilus

                      Pergmayr Senator Wolfgangus

                        Wolfgango Wolfgang Trazom

                         Amadeo Amadè Amade Adam

                          Gottlieb Mzt Mozartus Aulae

                           Musicus et Maria Anna

                            Pertlin coniuges et

                             Mercator Civicus pro

                              tempore sponsus,

                               Composer

September 12

Nietzsche  St. Antichrist, Philosopher, Psychologist,

                       Friedrich

September 8

Ovid      St. Publius, Mythmonger

January 7

P – S

Paul     St. Paul, Zealot and Pragmatic Transcendentalist

June 29

Plato      St. Play-Doh, Chief Philosopher

March 6

Pushkin    St. Sergeyevich of the Serene Order of Cuckolds

October 5

Racine      St. Jean, Playwright-poet

June 17

Rembrandt    St. Harmenszoon, the Compassionate

November 20

Rilke      St. Maria, Angelologist

February 5

Rimbaud    St. Arthur, Scatologist, Son of the Devil

July 12

Shakespeare   St. William, Chief Bard

April 23

Sappho     St. Sappho, Primal Lovebard

July 3

Solomon    St. Solomon, Sage and King

February 21

Sophocles    St. Sophocles, Playwright

December 3

Sterne       St. Laurence, Comic Skeptic and Innovator

March 9

T – Z

Tchaikovsky    St. Pyotr Ilyich Lebedinoe Ozero, Composer

March 17

Tolkien      St. R. Reuel, Mythmonger

July 21

Tolstoy     St. Lev of Our Contradictions

August 15

Van Gogh  St. Vincent, Painter

February 9

Velazquez-Vermeer    St. Johannes Diego, Presence and Absence

August 15

Vico     St. Battista of the Holy Recurso

January 2

da Vinci   St. Gherardini, Bastard

July 13

Vitrivius   St. Marcus V. Pollio, Codifier and Architect

February 2

Woolf       St. Adeline, Pioneer Poet of the Female Spirit

February 22

Yeats     St. William, Mythmonger, Silliman, Poet

January 19

Malfeasances

Anonymous Saints

December 13

Bach

March 15

Beasts

May 15

Children

January 13

Creation

November 13

Epics

July 15

Gods

October 15

Lesser Saints

April 13

Shakespeare

September 13

The Three Weird Sisters

August 13

Translators

February 13

Women

June 13

Index to the Proper of Saints - By Calendar

January

2   Vico

      St. Battista of the Holy Recurso

7   Ovid

      St. Publius, Mythmonger

10 Thomas Cranmer

      St. Thomas and the BCPs

13 Malfeasance

      Malfeasance of Children

15 Goethe

      St. Wolfgang of the Aphoristic Werthers

19 Yeats

      St. William, Mythmonger, Silliman, Poet

23 Diderot

      St. Denis of Enlightened Largesse,

          Poetic Journalism & Encyclopedic Acceptance

31 AA Milne

      St. Alan Alexander of Daphne and Vespers

February

2  Vitrivius

St. Marcus V. Pollio, Codifier and Architect

5  Rilke

     St. Maria, Angelologist

9  Van Gogh

     St. Vincent, Painter   

10  Auden

       St. Wystan, Poet

13  Malfeasance

      Malfeasance of Translators

15  Chuang Tzu

      St. Tzu, Pomo Bandit

21  Solomon

      St. Solomon, Sage and King

22  Woolf

       St. Adeline, Pioneer Poet of the Female Spirit

23  Melville

       St. Herman, Mythmonger

28  Euripides

      St. Euripides, Humanist and Playwright

29  Borges

      St. Jorges Borges, Mirrorist, Labyrinthist and Librarian

March

3  Dickens

    St. Boz Huffam, Fatalist and Sentimentalist

6  Plato

     St. Play-Doh, Chief Philosopher

9  Sterne

     St. Laurence, Comic Skeptic and Innovator

11 Homer

     St. Homer, Primal Bard

15 Malfeasance

      Malfeasance of Bach

16 G Eliot

      St. George, Novelist

17 Tchaikovsky

      St. Pyotr Ilyich Lebedinoe Ozero, Composer

20  Moses

       St. Moses, Mythmonger and Creator of Creation

22  Austen

       St. Jane of the Bourgeois Supremacy

29  Blake

       St. William of Emanuel and Immanuel        

April

13  Malfeasance

      Malfeasance of Lesser Saints

22  Eckhart/Weil

      St. Johann-Simone, Mystic and Martyr

23  Shakespeare

      St. William, Chief Bard

24  Heraclitus

       St. Hairy Clitoris, Primal Philosopher

27  Milton

       St. John the Lady of the Devil’s Party

May

8 TS Eliot

St. Thomas, Poet

15  Malfeasance

       Malfeasance of Beasts         

June

13  Malfeasance

      Malfeasance of Women

16  Joyce

      St. Joyce of the Holy Bloomers

17  Racine

      St. Jean, Playwright-poet

18  Beatles

      St. Bug, Patron of Our Flesh

19  Dante

      St. Alighieri of Beatrice

21  Job

       St. Job, Saint of Saints

29   Paul

       St. Paul, Zealot and Pragmatic Transcendentalist

Free Time

        Gould

       St. Glenn, Pianist

    

       Brueghel

       St. Pieter, The Accepting

       

       Haussmann

       St. Georges-Eugène Paris, Destroyer

July

3  Sappho

    St. Sappho, Primal Lovebard

4  Lewis Carroll

    St. Lewis of Mirrors and Alice, and Ludwidge, son of Charles

8  Frost

     St. Frost, Poet

12  Rimbaud

      St. Arthur, Scatologist, Son of the Devil

13  da Vinci

       St. Gherardini, Bastard

15  Malfeasance

       Malfeasance of Epics

18  Isaiah

       St. Isaiah of the Vatic Perfections

21  Tolkien

       St. R. Reuel, Mythmonger

28   Bach

        St. Johann, Chief Musician and God’s Own Son Most Truly

August

13  Malfeasance

       Malfeasance of the Three Weird Sisters

15   Donne

        St. John of the Liminal Lips

15   Tolstoy

        St. Lev of Our Contradictions

15   Velazquez-Vermeer

        St. Johannes Diego, Presence and Absence

24    Aeschylus

        St. Aeschylus, Warrior and Playwright

28    Augustine

        St. Augustine, Hippo of Bishops

September

3  Michelangelo

    St. Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, He Who Overcometh

8  Nietzsche

    St. Antichrist, Philosopher, Psychologist, Friedrich

9  Kubrick

    St. Stan, Director

10 Chekov

      St. Pavlovich of the Gentle Brutal Insights

11  McCarthy

       St. Cormac, Mythmonger and Judge

12   Mozart

        St. Joannes Chrysostomus Nobilis Dominus Leopoldus

         Lamprecht Capellanus Civicus Theophilus Pergmayr

          Senator Wolfgangus Wolfgango Wolfgang Trazom Amadeo

          Amadè Amade Adam Gottlieb Mzt Mozartus Aulae Musicus

           et Maria Anna Pertlin coniuges et Mercator Civicus

             pro tempore sponsus, Composer

13  Malfeasance

       Malfeasance of Shakespeare

14   Kafka

       St. Franz, Doctor of Law

17  Caravaggio

       St. Michelangelo of Desperate Fears and Desolate Tenderness

22   Dürer

       St. Albrecht, The Devout

23   John

        St. John the Divine, God’s Beloved and Lover of Words

29   Cervantes

        St. Saavedra, Cripple of Lepanto and of Dulcinea del Toboso,

          Queen of Women

October

5  Pushkin

    St. Sergeyevich of the Serene Order of Cuckolds

11  Baudelaire

      St. Charles of the Desiccating Virgin

15  Malfeasance

        Malfeasance of Gods

25   Lao Tzu

        St. Tzu, Mirrorist and Sage

November

1  Montaigne

    St. Eyquem, Essayist, Skeptic, Realist, Humanist, Stoic, Condemnatist

3  Handel

     St. Georg, Composer

5  Chaucer

     St. Geoff, Chief Flatulator

11  Bosch

       St. El Bosco, Hell Guide

13   Malfeasance

        Malfeasance of Creation

14   Kierkegaard

       St. SK, Knight of Infinite Faith and Finite Love

16   Dostoevsky

        St. Fyodor of our Darkest Fulminations

18    Beethoven

         St. Beet-Beat, Composer

20   Rembrandt

         St. Harmenszoon, the Compassionate

22  Bergman

       St. Ingmar, Director

24  Hitchcock

       St. Joseph, Director

26   David

       St. David, Poet and King

27   Hardy

        St. Thomas of the Tragic Destinies

December

3  Sophocles

     St. Sophocles, Playwright

7   Hopkins

      St. Manley, Christian

13  Malfeasance

       Malfeasance of Anonymous Saints

Proper of Saints: Doo's bio-

Hesperia Lingarius Masma Doo wrote the Proper of Saints in 94 days, when incarcerated in the tenth century with only a jar of pickles and the Roman Gradual.

Mr. Ms. Doo (having been subject to numerous sexual transformations throughout his and her life), upon being captivated by the Proprium de Sanctis, immediately realized that in her home century—the twenty-first—sainthood had secretly migrated from religion to art, for it was the artists who mediated between heaven, earth, and hell in modernity; religion had become a relic which mediated only fear—and that very poorly.  Augustine, Aquinas, and Mother Teresa are saints no longer … they’ve been replaced by Homer, Bach, and Van Gogh.

Doo, then, in a flurry of medieval inspiration, wrote the true biographies of 81 great saints, along with 12 malfeasances and an introduction that effectively places the religion-art transformation in a historical-philosophical-aesthetic-cultural-linguistic-spiritual context.  Upon completion, Doo returned to the third millennium to test some of his and her ideas in the bedrooms, boardrooms, kitchens, and alleys of the human world.  To this day, Doo finds her theory gloriously seductive which, as any evolved human knows, is a prime indicator of truth.

The Secular Sadoo is pleased to introduce Doo’s Proper of Saints to its reading public.  We will be following the liturgical calendar, publishing each Proper on its proper day throughout 2012.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Its black flame is more potent, its reach further, its hope more boundless.  Light is the child of darkness and those who fear darkness the children of light.  These grandchildren, happy in forgetting their grandparent, presumed lost at sea, to dance on the shoals of knowledge.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  The sheets of darkness are pulled across your nudity, across your eyes, at night, and night again, and you forget its flames in the pills and disasters of the technological morning or you present them, wrapped in strings of words, to analysts, who turn them into light for cash or sex or children or something else or all of the above, or you use art or its shadow, entertainment, this heat, this tongue, to enter a lighter sleep, cool-warm, the make-believe womb of power, art’s frequent effect.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Do not flee the brighter light, even though it sucks you down.  Without this danger, darkness is not darkness and you can never burn.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  What is darkness?  Darkness is waiting and watching, stillness and nothing, the wordless equality that crawls from the embodied knowledge that every thing is a god.  It is the chaos we crave and fear and work toward in our cosmopolitan denial.  For darkness must be the center of all acts and words and thoughts and things, and that is why all things are gods.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Its fuel is a composite of doubt and death, the egg and seed of life.  Darkness is no friend or savior, but neither is light.  Light pretends to befriend, but darkness does not.  Light pretends and its pretense is not unreal.  Darkness does not pretend and its lack of pretense is not a matter of trust or nobility or anything particular, but the feeling evoked in its presence.  Light is the absence of darkness and darkness the fullness of light.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Every gram of new consciousness, each euphoric and progressive comma, everything making your life comfortable and pleasurable, each truth that dams the night, leaks from darkness’ masked expanse.  Yet humans, who seem to crave little more than comfortable pleasures, would hide and try to slay their source, as if they were babes of spirit and cowards of the soul.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  The birds of darkness, screeching silently through centuries, broke through my bedroom window one lost November, pecking out my eyes, filling the cavities with fire.  I walked into the streets and the people of the bright urban night, upon seeing me, fled to drink and flesh and the caresses of electricity.  I walked on.  Was I to thank the birds of darkness?  Was I to curse them?  I only knew they do what they must do when they must, ripping aside the lighted veil to show the still translucent veil of darkness.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  This darkness is not some esoteric, cultic, theosophist, ecstatic or depressive, exclusivist, occult, or material knowledge, other than the material knowledge that is not usually called knowledge, for it simply exists, without need to explain or describe.  This darkness is calm, unruffled, without impulse, below and in and through every word.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Darkness eats light and desires it.  Producing gargantuan quantities of light from our secret love of darkness and knowledge of its need, we feed darkness rather than resting in it, but in doing so cloister and abuse its capacities while remaining encapsulated in our burden of light.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Darkness is more passionate, more intelligent, witty, more courageous, innovative, and more fun than light.  It dances harder, lighter, longer; it makes the dance and is the memory of the dance.  Darkness stretches the circle to its ecstatic limits of futility and in stretching breaks what it contains, and its methods of breaking are myriad; the impossibilities and the breaking drive the people to light.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  The creatures of darkness, knowing their namelessness, know darkness is a moniker, its nickname often confused by those buried in names with light’s enemy, as if light—if it is truly light—could have an enemy.  But light, being born of darkness and not something other than it, knows no enemies until it forgets its ancestry and falsely claims autonomy on god’s infinite palette.  What structures are there which enable such forgetting and what is their appeal?  The creatures of darkness, having been compelled to burrow through them, might be able to say, but seem to choose silence, and this silencing may say more about what enables than the saying.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  It is made of flame and fuel and charcoal formed of the bodies of gods long dead and forgotten.  They who would burn, not with electric light, that cool copy and shadow and regulation, but with the inferno of origins and the death of origins, which is no hell unless heaven be hell, become flame and fuel and charcoal and in becoming must live in death according to the means granted them, though this death, like this darkness, has no opposition.

Darkness burns far brighter than light.  Darkness washes sin and erases alienation.  It looks at telephone poles and presidents and through its eyeless vision sees no difference.  Would all humans have these eyes, how would the trees and rivers appear?  How might we talk about this representation?  Would we see it as a gift and is this gift the gift, the one we cannot give ourselves?

Darkness burns.  Burns brighter.  Light burns.  Far brighter.  Far.  Light brighter, darkness far.  Burns.  Burns far.  Burns far brighter.  Darkness light.  Light light far burns.  Brighter darkness brighter light.  Far, far the darkness, far the light, burns far brighter, light than far and far than light, far than burns, burns than bright, far than far, light than light darkness brighter light than light far far

darkness burns far brighter than light

dirty old man

i’m a dirty old man and when i was young I was a dirty young man and if i grow to be ancient i’ll be a dirty ancient man and when i was a boy i was a dirty boy and when i was middleaged there i was squashed between innocence and incapacity, on the throne of dirty, and when i was an infant i was an especially dirty infant and when i was a fucking teenager i was a fucking dirty teenager and i’ll always be dirty because i love being dirty and i’ll be dirty even if i live forever and dirty’s more fun than being clean and if mommy or daddy told you otherwise they can go to hell and this is what dirty is:

1.  it’s wanting to rub your sex on elephants and streetcar poles and wasted poles

2. it's thinking about everyone you meet without

their clothes on and piled higher than everest

doing the kama sutra forward and reverse and everything covered in gas and zeus with his matchstick ready and lit

3.  it’s wanting big black pricks—fuck the clichés—ramming me in tropical plant greenhouse washrooms, my ass spread like a book over the dripping sink and whoever coming in and watching and joining like some de sade cuckoo clock, some sex du soleil, some carousel of rising falling whirling oysters! roosters! lights! music! and it’s knowing dirty has nothing to do with political correctness or anything but being dirty and feeling great about that, as if the world’s a big hairy testicle or a woody allen boob

4. it's seeing juicy screaming pussies wide

as mirrors on velvet couches like those

brothels in your brain, hands coming out of them, fingers soaked and beckoning, and clits like talking pomegranates, blabbing slutty, seedy, crimson, the way you like it, the blood, the blood

5. it's getting through dentist hell by having her say,

did you know it’s international nude

dental day today? then her stripping, feeling her

soft saggy catholic bubs against my cheek as she’s drilling in my mouth and after i’ve done the final rinse she says time for you to drill me now and she clambers up doggy-style half-geriatric on the drilling chair and i’m hard as god, life’s just endless porn clips unless you’re mormon then it’s endless mormon porn clips

(what else do you do with that throbbing thing between your legs? cut it off? sew it up? get some deity to delegitimize it? bury it in meetings and skating lessons and mortgages and muffins? what else with those manic memories? say oh me oh my oh silly youth! or i used to be bad but i don’t need to be bad no more or the highest functions of our species are hardly simian but those of virtue and honesty and discipline, which are their own rewards and devoting your life to proving this despite the seven billion pieces of evidence to the contrary but it’s so much fun to say fuck and even more fun to do it and if towers should fall and all the fish die and bugs overrun us, who cares, really? everything dies and it surely isn’t an accident eros and thanatos have always been friends with benefits, doing it in their mythic bouncy castle—always an open bday party at the hard shag café on planet moof)

6.  it’s spending my time in elevators

undressing people because it’s a helluva lot more interesting than whatever tragedy is being broadcast on the monitor

7.  it’s looking at that boxer’s swinging balls in the doggie park and thinking maybe they might taste good

(that’s not all i am:  i bake flognardes and babysit my grandchildren and read mallarme and take long walks and scrub my bathtub using allnatural cleaners and don’t own a car and compost a lot and am mostly nice to my neighbors and ponder the nature of god in something of a spinozean way and drink only the finest global beers and am told—but who isn’t these democratic days?—that i’m a great lover and volunteer in my community and feel no desire to abuse my cats and behave more or less like the citizen i’m supposed to be and don’t censor any of my thoughts so)

8.  if you’re walking down the street and your

stockings stop at just the right spot and i’m in a particular mood i’ll pull you into my mind and throw you facefirst on a desk on the 72^nd floor and yank your panties down and your skirt up and do what any certified ape thinks about at least 81 times a day

9.  if you and your mother or brother or sister or

cousin or boss or grandmother or whatever are

sitting there across from me (but only if everyone’s legal of course because i’m canadian) … we’re all bonobos, little copulation deities, fulfilling the only thing that’s ever fulfilled (nature, stupid) … what are couches for anyway? (and here we are, all this flesh, black time holes, collapsed, sucking darkness like it’s a milkshake) … what the hell, it’s all in the family, names are constructs, we’re all related

10. all this, this hindu heaven, love here on

earth, pure bodhisattvas of glorious

nothingness, and you’re a perfect 10 even

if you’re 100 (in the baptismal tank, in

the name of the mother and the

daughter and the holey host, laid

down and dying dying dead, you’re

resurrected! thank aphrodite and the virgin

mary and that whore, magdalene, made ever

new!)

(and we’re night and fire and ice and words are a lie, we’re all hair and goobers and drive to the grave in our b-52s like the idea of a certain kind of god dreamed by another kind of god in a messy nest of chirping gods)

… and you wouldn’t think this if you met me but who cares the mask is all as willy taught us and that’s what being dirty is and i’ve always been dirty and i love being

dirty and my god’s dirty too and so are

you.