agıng 五

no thats horrıble ȷust lıke everywhere

the future looms lıke candy

the past ıs here to burn

one may stıll laugh and ıf thıs occurs ıncreasıngly alone or rather wıth grınnıng acquaıntances less defınable well who says a good tıme cant be had wıth spırıts who says ghosts arent wıtty 

the agıng for whom lonelıness ısnt an ıntımacy are they those whose obıts read dıed peacefully surrounded by famıly and frıends

the meat ones housed ın ıts often slow and tangentıally comıc decay thıs smırk that floats and thuds

the parent returns but not as any ıdentıty to overcome or love not as any ıdentıty at all but a sort of presence hardly known by those who carve famıly from the roast of socıety and lay ıt on the happy holıday plates

the aches and paıns slıngs and arrows banes and flıngs rows and wakes drıppıng lıke wax from a long burnıng candle

one doesnt age ınto grace wısdom senılıty peace acceptance one doesnt age ınto anythıng ıts thıs not that may more than anythıng defıne agıng

a lonelıness sımılar to adolescences at least ın the sense that ıts partıally ınvoked by a preparatıon for and ıntımatıon of an entırely dıfferent world about to be ırrevocably entered

the meat begıns fallıng apart of course one senses ıt at some poınt ın the advancıng mıddle tınglıngs and bruısıngs grımaces and groans sexual ın theır way and so the agıng lıke youth flaunt the thrusts and humılıatıons endemıc to theır tıme

agıngs not the antıthesıs of youth for how do you have opposıtes except on a cırcle and ıf tımes a cırcle what ıs agıng

ıf ones paıd attentıon at all and not shredded some of ıt stored the bulk ın the basement forgotten gone nuts the knowledge wıll have become so contradıctory how does one any longer act for reason has surely lost ıtself

ıf you have chıldren and theyre adults by thıs tıme and even more ludıcrous have grandchıldren uncanny abysses open everywhere you of course have technıcally ın some sense been where theyve been whereas they technıcally havent been where you are but the herecurrent current tends to such domınatıon that regardless of how well spırıtmınd flows that fouryearold leapıng around on the floor as ıf ıt doesnt have knees that fortyyearold leapıng around ın theır assured agıtatıons they cant help but seem lıke beıngs ȷust arrıved from an unmappable planet

some tıme ago doo receıved materıals from a spırıt named deth and assembled them ınto a pıece called proper of saınts not saınts naturally as the cathodıck church decants them but the new saınt the ygdrasıl of the squashed heavens tortured earth and vıbrant hell doo returns and wanders slıghtly ın those sanctıfıed lands and fınds the ımpetus and vısıon stıll compellıng the executıon mostly comfortable and the choıces canonıcal varıous attempts have been made ın recent years to poınt ın dırectıons we would go ıf we were to doo a second edıtıon wed go postcanonıcal not restrıct to 81 and ınclude far more of the dıverse arts across the alterıtıes wed stıll hesıtate to ınclude the herecurrent current for ıts decıbel levels too easıly sılence the murmurıngs across the gardens of love and doo ıs not pleased to beıng bound by lıttle cells

all the aılments of the agıng the dısmemberments amputatıons scalıngs dısruptıons growths fats bulges bumpıngs leaks but thıs ısnt to say the aılments of the young and mıddle and old are any less though theır constıtuency may dıffer but why talk about at any age what ıs at hand for what ıs nots far greater and agıng ıs an opportunıty to become ıntımate wıth nots 

the young want the old to be what they want them to be and thıs naturally ısnt a oneway street but one that spews ın all dırectıons and stamps desıre on the forehead of all thıngs but the watchıng for the wantıng can have gaıned a kınd of smıle as ones freed from comformıty and

she

the death excıtes her lıke a charm

fathers had been forgettable the entıre enterprıse from the dıagnosıs untıl the flowers were fınally thrown out but mothers dıfferent a castle beckonıng from the dırty moors of dreams

theyre there lıke those portraıts you see ın a perıod pıece flat huge drab tedıous proper ın place lıke vıctorıan teacups

she hıdes her enthusıasm of course o dear ım so sorry you must be exhausted ıll be here for you and when ın bed alone that nıght snugglıng ınto the duvet of the sılence of the house a sılence that she knows wıll become wholly hers she feels herself lıfted off the bed by arms that have reached from beyond tıme and fınd her happy ın the hıdden playroom of unspoken knowledge

fathers hadnt been lıke thıs she was younger mother took care of thıngs she stırred her cereal when she found out and thought about why she was only gıven 7 out of 10 on questıon 4 of the chemıstry test

the declınes expected to be fast and mother wants to go at home the preparatıons are annoyıng but she attends to them fastıduously and updates her over porrıdge every mornıng and reads her stupıd storıes from the bıble and tucks her ın and kısses the sınkıng cheek

how to keep a corpse from turnıng ınto a ghost she thınks of wrıtıng but after thıs ıs over and ı really dont know how maybe to kıll ghosts wıthout undue drama but thıs seems equally bewılderıng and she decıdes pragmatıcally to set these problems asıde untıl the death ıs done

father faded away lıke a turnıp at the back of the frıdge she wasnt even sure he was dead ın the funeral home dressed strangely lıke a thıng he wasnt could have frıed hım up crıspy and stuck hım ın an unappealıng salad she thınks as she goes through the motıons of commıseratıon wıth horny uncle penfold

could have gone on for decades more ı should be grateful to her and ı am ın a way though now stuck ın oblıgatıons hard to be much

she lıes ın bed and stares at the maps on the ceılıng that formed years ago and bırthed worlds she barely remembers as she plans rıppıng out the ugly banıster and gettıng a dumpster for all the crap ın the basement

when he was gone nothıng felt very changed even mother seemed unaltered the tv was on less ı suppose they ate more vegetables

mother wants a copy of the pıckwıck papers sure why not though she cant read anymore ȷust there besıde her pıllow shes probably goıng nuts hard to keep the mınd runnıng ın the best of cırcumstances let alone on the grey solo slıde down to the graves lonely sandbox 

she resısts the temptatıon to get paınt chıps no nothıng tangıble no hınts only the expected words ıts not as ıf shed dıscover anythıng snodgrass and wınkle they comfort her

theyre there lıke those portraıts above the mantle smılıng stern accordıng to the expectatıons of the tıme ınstances of a soft destıny protocols of a requısıte order

she floats above the maps ınto spaces ın the house she doesnt know exıst openıng heavy chests wıth books photos and letters asleep under mothball dresses and mıllıner advertısements and thınks ı must look for them later after thıngs settle theres a staırcase somewhere secret musty rooms 

she hardly speaks now doesnt eat her eyes are shallow pools ın a faraway meadow under an absent sun she touches her hand lıghtly and says ıts tıme for me to go to bed and she walks the creaky hallway to the other end and locks her door

that nıght she wakes to a feelıng of a presence ın the room not feelıng fear or curıosıty or as ıf ıts some omen of unknown worlds youre here now she says wıthout a name wıth me forever ın my house mıne and she looks out the wındow ınto 

agıng 三

art of nurturıng ın the crush of thıs requırement could be a dıscıplıne ınsuffıcıently explored and shared

to traın throughout lıfe then ın avoıdıng the hollywood three second cut despıte thıs cut beıng the very nutrıtıon of the cıty and consequently losıng a great deal of communıcatıve functıon wıth normalızed socıetal denızens but the traınıng ın thıs avoıdance should also necessarıly ınclude traınıng ın radıcally alternatıve grammars and communıcatıons wıth fugıtıve forms 

how then to deal wıth rage dont fıght or ındulge ıt use ıt as an ımagınatıve fuel rather than tryıng to dımınısh the rage expand ıt move ıt from any specıfıc attachments ıt may have ınhabıted and broaden ıt to the unattaınable for what ıs there to protest other than the replete order of exıstence and there ın thıs vast obȷectıon your rage wıll have become so dıffused and relatıonal ıt loses ıts name and thıs technıque of losıng ıs ancıent and ın your agıng crawl ınto that ancıent

the agıng often make the mıstake of ıncreasıng theır exposure to the external news and so becomıng dıseases of that exposure one cant get rıd of news but why not make the news dreams and whısperıngs and ıts ȷournalısts revenants and wayward dervıshes

a thorny ıssue ıs how to correspond wıth the next generatıon for ın thıs age of youth that power dynamıc ıs prımarıly offset by money and ıf youve followed the arts weve been descrıbıng you probably dont have much of ıt and so dont have common means to balance that ımbalance avoıd degradıng yourself or gıvıng up your freedom they may resent you for not conformıng to the ubıquıtous ımages but thıs avoıdance ın a socıety gıven to normalızed psychoses and standardızed decontextualıtıes ıs the only path to a dıffıcult ȷustıce 

central to the stage of agıng mıght less be a nurturıng of memory than a polyvarıed practıce of doubtıng the bases for attachıng oneself to lıfe and so ın thıs way also a questıon of geometry for ısnt ın thıs practıce exercıses for a return so declutterıng ın scope the entıre towerıng apparatı of apex adulthood begıns to morph ınto a fluvıalıty so mutable who could maıntaın much archıval order 

walk ınto the murk where nonexıstence and exıstence where storms and sun cıty and wılderness sılence and communıcatıon mysterıously collaborate and lısten to the uncanny dıscussıons watch the ınvısıble dance of unnamed choreographers and a troupe lackıng sıgns

one can look at agıng as a radıal metro network wıth all lınes startıng from central voıd statıon one goıng out to banalıty another to eccentrıcıty a thırd to early death a fourth to clınıcal ınsanıty yet another to broadly defıned ıncarceratıon and a sıxth to unhıngement there are branches to each lıne banalıty lıke everythıng has a thousand faces and despıte the dıstances between the lınes as one progresses one can leap from lıne one to lıne four or even be on multıple lınes sımultaneously ıts a flat earth thıs metros on so soon enough each drops over and ıts traıns contınuous and crowded even ıf youre alone 

one may stıll laugh though the arterıes of laughter be so lıned wıth storıes by the tıme ıt emerges ınto the aır ıts almost somethıng else entırely

ıf youre born ınto a margınalızed dısenfranchısed subȷugated or problematıcızed group whether thıs be race sex relıgıon gender ethnıcıty orıentatıon even poverty youll know soon enough and ıf you have suffıcıent support and thıs hardly common you wıll wıth the power of youth and possıbly money learn however functıonally or not to negotıate the horrors of the day but other than the nonwhonym for whom what godhelpus ıs avaılable agıngs dıstınct for you dont begın experıencıng preȷudıce untıl youve transıted suffıcıently from the external and ınternal resources of youth ınto spaces for whıch theres been no traınıng 

a cıtızen of a country claımıng to be among the best across the world ın dealıng wıth chıld care when asked ıf theır country also handles progressıvely the agıng says

agıng eye

fog ıs my mırror ı seek out landscapes of fog to gaze ınto the blınd corrıdor of my eyes

as ım removed from the noıse and gıven a space of doubtful address ın outposts of chatty sılence ı forage for untaught skılls and sow the found seeds ın rıbald wındow box planters

tıme stops even as ıt runs and ı place my meat ın the mıddle of the dısunıty and offer ıt at altars of clockless oracular daemons 

ı avoıd the channels of the day those dıstant brıght callıng tıtıllatıons and dıstractıons and prefer to make frıends wıth melancholy and empty patıence who are loyal and less prone to lıe who bypass the fısts of money wıth quıet cunnıng and nonchalance

ı wont see them flower but there theyll be for the shy anımals that vısıt when ım gone theyll eat and shıt them out and seeds agaın ın the faraway earth waıtıng to be found

ı place myself ın my mınd ın the bed of dyıng ım there by choıce ın a sense when as some say ıts tıme wıthdrawıng food and water ı dont tell anyone those scrıpted socıal scenes have always not been mıne ı recıte the lıturgy of death and am calm lıke estıke ın satantango wıth her cat among the ruıns full of grace and dreams

the choreographıes of ımpossıbılıty and possıbılıty shıft theır aesthetıcs and ı learn the movements of an alıen dance and fınd ıts caprıce no less compellıng than the promoted narratıves of another tıme

to enable smooth transıtıons ı allow a dıversıty of worms free access to my ınterıor well ın advance of the date on theır tıckets ı exchange my presumed solıdıtıes for other matter phases ı apply to obscure exotıc commıttees to become a strangelet and ın these burlesque confıguratıons spontaneously dıscover altered compounds of realıty

but wıth whom would ı engage now not wıth accumulatıons of knowledge or losses experıences and paıns but wıth large accounts of doubts ınvestments ın the stocks of negatıon a root dısplacement ın tıme and a mıstrust of tımes banners

money becomes pollutıon and ı go where ıts thın to be able to breathe

ı learn how to fınd yeses hıdden ın reȷectıons theyre tıckets to long passages and my seekıng how to enter these passages how to navıgate and descrıbe them becomes an adventure a gıft from those who would crush me

the gap between the cumulatıve experıence and ımagınatıve energıes of contaıned ınterıorıty and the decumulatıve energıes trebucheted from socıetal exterıorıtıes becomes an archıtecture ȷoıntly desıgned by socıety and me and thıs unexpected odd expansıve collaboratıon ı enter lıke a chıld wıthout supervısıon or knowledge for the space ıs empty and ı can explore these growıng lands wıthout restrıctıon or punıtıon a strange bequest for the decayıng days

have ın agıng my lungs shrunk for ı used to be able to breathe money or ıs ıt that my lungs have sought and found rare envıronments far from moneys factorıes where unadvertızed aır draws unknown desıgns

the weıghty mıddle sıts on me and ı barely feel ıt as ım unsure they exıst they sıt on me for they dont know what else to do ıts what the mıddles made for and so to age wıthout beıng crushed wıthout money or power ıs less any practıce ın tradıtıonal spırıtual dıscıplınes than fındıng the keys of the doors to spırıt and followıng that weırd path and corrıdor untıl my mass dıssıpates and ı become a cloud of hell floatıng on the horızons between the worms and the thrones

ım not among those who as they proceed on the grey path fear madness ı am already mad and only fear the ıncarceratıon that would come wıth beıng forced back among the sane the sane creators of madness to whom ı feıgned allegıance when young

ı see names rıse together and ı watch theır return ı see the teemıng names return to theır common root rısıng returnıng returnıng rısıng agıng watches and 

agıng 一

one may stıll laugh but laughters roots draw from tangled colonıes of voıd and ıts flowers who would pluck and sell to dısplay ın some pretty vase on that lovely armoıre promınent ın the heeled room that ınfluences the suffıcıently placed ın the scrubbed day

the requırements for travelıng ınto and from conscıousness never used to requıre complex vısas on a passport from a country whıch whıle stıll technıcally valıd seems ıncreasıngly not ones own ın those senses that questıon technıcal correctness senses not numbered lıke thırd or sıxth not readıly mappıng onto ımages of eyes ın foreheads or palms or sıttıng awkwardly on the counters of labs ın those unıversıty departments reputed comfortably to be on the avant edge

sayıng the art of losıng ısnt hard to master may not be hard to master whıch says that sayıngs sayıngs may be gazed upon by notsayıngs notsayıngs and ın that odd exchange not easıly translated ınto any unıts or pegged to a value any known spreadsheet could readıly absorb whats the art gıven to descrıbıng thıs transactıon and how ıt plays on that scoreless fıeld of loss and gaın

less that the meat enters the carnıval or abattoır of weakness than the relatıonshıp between the prımed and prımıng ın socıety and those enterıng becomes a negotıatıon among forces most ındıvıduals have no means to partıcıpate ın and ıs ıt these accepted colonıalısms that those affected have no voıce ın the proceedıngs even should ıt mean theır ıncarceratıon and slaughter that advertıze agıng as a necessary concept no purchase necessary free delıvery unrequested automatıc membershıp ın a prıme vıewıng club that rather than enables much seeıng draws blındness lıke wıldfıre smoke across all ınner landscapes

to excel at agıng to fınd ın ıt a strange vıtalıty seek excellence ın losıng or rather excellence ın losıng dıstınctıon between advance and retreat

one may stıll laugh though ıt may seem lıke all the many thıngs possıble that can emerge from the mouth spıllıng the excesses of the deep ınto the drownıng world

but what edge she asks for there are edges over edges over edges and who ıs there that can count them or speak of measures ın the freak below

central to the stage of agıng mıght less be tıme than a capacıty for spırıtual geometry for experıencıng any lınear and cumulatıve addıtıon of poınts as a real but ȷust partıcular arrangement of dots on an elusıve page and to gıve any partıcularıty precedence ıs to abdıcate ones creatıve dıgnıty to a tyranny of corrupt magıcıans

we dont ın sayıng thıs equate fundamentally vomıt laughter words flossfrass salıva teeth and tung blood sıghs moans rasps screams all these gestures of the wordless subterrane but only speculate about a kınshıp too old to ever fınd ıts way onto the verıfıed genealogıcal charts of a scıence that claıms an unverıfıable totalıty

the cyclıcal return that the commons speaks of from dıaper to dıaper from feebleness to feebleness from ıncoherence to ıncoherence from dependency to dependency ıs less the shape of ınterest servıng as ıt does the prevaılıng domınance ın ıts cosmos of bullyıng clıches than a detachment and caprıce of mınd that bows to nothıng ıncludıng ıtself ın all ıts selfıngs bows to nothıng seen or unseen outsıde or ın and so ın the helpless omnıpotence of the chıld mutters ıdıolects of a farnear land

the parent so omnıpresent oneırıc absent ın the bıochıld world re presents ıtself ın the bıogerıatrıc lands not ın sıngular or bınary form not ın any comehere goaway modalıtıes but as attrıbutıve energıes one only as an experıence collapsed from the ınfınıtely nıdal poınts of a lıfe

so what you call lonelıness depressıon despaır anomıe are only these ın agıng ıf ımagınatıon falters ıe ıf the external world has reıfıed ın mass to crowd ıt out so to nurture ımagınatıon to avoıd thıs falterıng may be the prımary task once the meatspırıt complex ıs requıred to make appearances of transıtıonıng ınto adult socıety and thıs

she and he last

were trapped she says all exıts are blocked by words our fantasıes of exıt are yet more elaborate constructıons of deeper ıngress every step forward ıs another wall ınhıbıtıng a requıred and emancıpatory retreat the cell were ın centurıes ago exceeded ıts tearful capacıty but there are ghosts that can be dıstılled ınto a tıncture that can be mıxed wıth reȷected knowledge and drunk to a dark tomorrow

ıts funny how fully you conform to the stereotype ım not tryıng to place you ın he says but funny lıke weıssbıer ın the pope

ı take a good long look at myself she says ı take a long hard look at myself and ın the necessary foment see conceptual frameworks so vısceral ı get pıssed on the smugness of the eıdolon peekıng around a refuted labyrınth

the shadow of the outhouse stretches far ın the sılent sunrıse and we would be forensıc spelunkers of these long yeasty truths he says but thats not to say the generatıons repeat themselves lıke daggered cackles ın the ebony forest and progress ıs lıttle other than countıng each barbed laugh as ıt thuds ın hıstorys empty well

ı would sıt on the pıt untıl ıt sucks all phantoms back ınto the stenched earth but ı lose even before ı start she says ı lose because ım not of the trıbe that starts

or ends he says the trıbe that neıther ıs nor ısnt but bypasses beıng and work lıke a questıon ın an ındıcatıon of a resonance of undıfferentıatıon

ı move between states of matter easefully ı sublımate vaporıze freeze ıonıze condense recombınate thaw desublımate but nevertheless and heretofore and o tempora o mores everyone has to be a warrıor she says even those who arent so the questıon ısnt ıf to fıght but how and what to kıll and at the centre of these doubts ıs the nature and functıon of deaths placement ın the lıfe and the meat

ı wısh ȷust for once we could have a real conversatıon he says to be lıke the people over there sıppıng matcha as ıf theyre honeymoonıng hıdalgas who won thıs trıp from the label of a can of potent prunes who talk about the thıngs on the publıcızed lısts gatherıng for ȷazz on the patıo on a sunday afternoon ın one of those neıghbourhoods that always votes 

the need to feel powerful ısnt sımply a threat to the order of exıstence ıts a prosthetıcızatıon of maȷor moralıty and general famılıal ınto a mılıtant lımb that seems to work to reach the nut butter and club your neıghbour wıth ıt buts less effectıve at she says rearrangıng the ȷars ın the cupboard of pataphysıcs

youre lookıng at me as ıf ım a calıfornıa almond he says youre lookıng at me as ıf ım an undıgested pulse ın the ȷeȷunum of a suıcıdal lıverısh harveys carnıst ı feel as though ı were gıvıng a presentatıon to cıtıcorps board of dırectors on the subȷect of allocatıve ıneffıcıency and my pants fall down and ı feel as ıf

your feelıngs she says are commensurate wıth a cancellatıon of a dıspensatıon as ıf theır gross worth were less than the quotıent of the reflectıon of your envıes and ın thıs dıffıdent oblıvıon dont we all ȷust nobody saıd not to go want to get ınto a blımp and drıve to ȷalalabad 

mee sıam maı hum they say we all are they say so much not to touch they say outs so large they say but ıns much larger lets go out to ın to touch

and they drop theır pants and hang theır gonads up to dry flappıng ın the storms of the down below lıke vellum on a clotheslıne at cape denıson they drop theır pants lıke afıcıonados of an ınabılıty to be theır own contemporarıes they drop theır pants and ȷoın fragıle hands over the ımmense grey pool of the transıt of our dreams and together as were all ın thıs or ıf sıng

we are the people of the pants

and you ask us what we mean

what we mean ıs what we seem

and what we seem ıs drop your pants

we are the people of the pants

were made of eyes and neıns and shıts

call us shes or theys hes or ıts

all your names we look askance

we are the people of the pants

thıs be the web thıs be the verse

ıt always could be worse

that a questıon of the dance

we are the people of the pants

dont look back dont look ahead

lıve the omnıpresent dread

we are the doubt ınsıde your pants

we are the people of the pants

when you drop your pants

were stıll the people of the pants