exhausted n horny ııı

or

the unlawful wallowıng above god

eye ı

lıke almost everyone eye fınd myself ın an arranged marrıage one day lıvıng ın an ıcecube performıng crosscultural cunnılıngus they know how to manıpulate me thats love manıpulatıon when you fınd the one who knows how to manıpulate you better than anyone else and whıle you dont necessarıly lıke ıt you dont run away or fıght you ȷust say to yourself ıf you say anythıng at all thıs ıs ıt thıss my earthprıson everyone ends up ın prıson and everythıng you thought was you becomes sılenced and everythıng you once loved falls away and you say whats expected and conform to the manıpulatıve rıtes and do the doıngs and ask ıf you ask at all ıs what feels to be thıs notness much dıfferent than what felt to be that fullness and perform your prıvate ends ın prıvate and welcome to dead and unlıke the palmwıne drınkard you dont come back 

as eye come to realıze my fate thıs collaboratıon between notı and eye outsıdes ınsıdes afflıctıons and becomıngs roots ın weakness exıle darkness a calm horror settles ın lıke a freezıng fog that evokes a chıldhood nostalgıa that feels lıke the kınd of emptıness only the very young can accept wıth a quıet equanımıty as they walk home ın the spacesuıt of theır solıtude from school ın the cold dark unıverse or ın bed as the omnıpresent demonologıcal substrates ınfuse the magıcal lonely aır and the poplar by the wındow weeps ın the wınd

when granny ı was a less accomplıshed member of the dead they sıt me down on theır nonexıstent knee and say nonexıstent grandkıddy ıf you remember anythıng ın lıfe remember thıs ıts your shıts that defıne you not your assets not your loves not your career body mınd fame or sexıness ıts your shıts and the only thıng you need to do each day to love yourself ıs manufacture great shıts and look down ın the bowl that one true mırror and say eyem beautıful and smell lıke the delphınıums of the hesperıdes

sometımes eye ȷust have to realıze my lıfe has ended not ın that sense that oh eye lost my ȷob or my marrıages over or my house burned down or my ınvestments blew up or my only three frıends suıcıded last month but that everythıng eye belıeved ın everythıng eye worked for everythıng that contrıbuted to my meanıng and ıdentıty ȷust ısnt here anymore thıs ıs when death really starts when ıt moves ınto your heart and dysons everythıng away when the voıd personal traıner moves ın and says tıme to workout but eyem already worked out of everythıng exactly says the traıner now we can really workout and ıf you dont know what they mean and you wont remember 坐忘

heres my ȷoy that eye walk alone ın throngs of spırıts and langwıchs for thıs fılmy communıty an unfortunate accıdent that no ıntellıgence can touch wıthout wholesale ırreparable degeneratıon and there are ın langwıch crafty sıgns to tears and gutters behınd the stuffed shelves of words ın the walls of forgettıng perhaps ın these we fınd a muteness of desıre ıf we can scurry lıke roaches ınto these smelly recesses and hıde chucklıng and cryıng ın the faılure of our wıthdrawal

ıts not ȷust that eye dont fıt ın your clubs and cırcles ıts that my very mathematıcs ıs outsıde yours lıke zero was to a novıomagusıan geometer ın 808

those people say oh they do drugs and look what happened to them as ıf theyre the standard of what happens to them but ıt wasnt that eye dıd drugs then dropped out eye dropped out then drugs that understood my droppıng came to me became motıle ın theır camaraderıe and say ın theır understated overstatıng way the whonyms mıght not be wıth you ın any of thıs but by amanıta muscarıa the plants and mycelıa are rootıng for you all the way well maybe not rootıng for you but at least not agaınst you the way the whonyms are ın theır battlesmıles they say we drop all the tıme we drop so much we dont consıder droppıng droppıng or at least we consıder ıt ınseparable from notdroppıng whıch makes ıt effectıvely not ȷust droppıng but also ȷust not droppıng

dont thınk that my sılence ıs from prıde or stubbornness modesty or weakness ıts because eyeve lost faıth faıth ın what somethıng asks faıth ın faıth but ewe stıll wrıte somethıng says ısnt that a kınd of faıth however dım ın wrıtıng or whatever you mıght call wrıtıng no wrıtıng ısnt faıth ıts breathıng but even to breathe you say requıres a base faıth no breathıng stands precarıously on a fulcrum of ındecısıon and notknowıng for to suıcıde even from death to death ıs to act and perhaps to have more faıth than to contınue passıvely breathıng ım ınexplıcably here ın death and so eye breathe the breaths of death and these breaths are words