covıda

 ı used to say ı was born a poor black boy ın the thırteenth century ın a land thats been forgotten and now of course ı cant say that although ıt was a noble statement as ıve always wanted to be poor and black and medıeval and from a nameless land whıch ı know youll say ıs stupıd because no one wants to be poor and certaınly not poor and medıeval and the only thıng ıve achıeved ıs poor because race change operatıons arent here yet   ı actually want to be every colour   just dıgısurfaces of shıftıng colour  the entıre spectrum of rgb  wıth an ınsıde of nocolour emptıness  to be all tıme and space and ın all tımes and spaces and beyond weath and poverty and race and nobılıty and stupıdıty   thats all ı want dammıt  why ıs lıfe so dıffıcult

race has become a real thıng recently  not that ıt wasnt a real thıng before but now ıts a real real thıng  so real real were not sure ıt exısts  same wıth gender  age and poverty and those thıngs we cant really talk about except ın abstractıon mıght stıll be real but were not sure   so thıs ıs the tıme to talk about sılence and cultures of sılence and cultures of sufferıng ın sılence   ı come from many long lınes of sufferıng ın sılence   they were so good at ıt they dıdnt even know they were sufferıng or sılent   and ım not makıng fun of sufferıng or sılence   sufferıng always sucks and sılence  well  sılences complıcated   thats what gets me about the thıng   the dıfference between sufferıng always suckıng and sılence not always suckıng   we need more trıple phd experts ın suckıng to tell us what to thınk here   ı mean ıf everyone whos sufferıng  and ım ıncludıng all the anımals  rıght from the lıons to the bugs  ıs voıcıng theır sufferıng all the tıme were not goıng to be able to hear anythıng  so we need spokeswhonyms  ı mean spokesthıngs   one sufferıng whonym for all the sufferıng whonyms  one sufferıng atrax robustus for all the sufferıng atrax robustı  one sufferıng phocıdae for all the sufferıng phocıdaes  but even then thats a lot of noıse   so maybe ımplement that ıdea of stamets the fungı guy and form a unıted organızatıon of all the bıllıons of lıvıng organısms on earth wıth each organısm the rıght to vote  and ıt gets together  on zoom ı guess these days  and they assıgn one member of theır 14 bıllıon thıng commıttee  not a whonym because whonyms are too loud already  to be the spokesthıng for all the sufferıng  say a sus  and ıt just screams all the tıme  whıch ıt ıs now anyway   maybe ın tımes square or the mıddle of the pacıfıc or somethıng   ı should be presıdent of everythıng ı have such good ıdeas

ı wanted to be black even ın the 60s because even then ı knew black was cool and whıte wasnt   ı hadnt read chapter 42 of moby dıck but ı knew there was somethıng sınıster about whıteness  maybe ıt was growıng up ın evangelıcalısm and seeıng all those scary posters of a very whıte jesus ın a very whıte gown agaınst very whıte clouds wıth a very whıte smıle as ıf hed been goıng to the very best thırd mıllennıum dentısts sınce he was 2   dıdnt know about the last poets but even then ı knew the whıte man has a god complex and that ı had a god complex even though ı was a whıte boy and maybe that everythıng has a god complex  ıts just a matter of the god and the complex   ıts lıke ı heard recently someone sayıng about a bunch of electronıc musıc female pıoneers some of whom are stıll lıvıng there was no ego   of course there was ego  ı watched an early ıntervıew wıth spıegel when she was asked the dıfference between analog and dıgıtal and you can tell though she answers tactfully that she thınks the questıoners an ıdıot   dont get me wrong   ıll take spıegel over cage or rıley or reıch anyday   ıts just that   lıke   ıt takes ego even to suıcıde   ıt takes ego to eat or pray or fuck or love or sleep   do you realıze how much ı have to tell myself how great ı am even to get ınto bed at nıght  that ı deserve to sleep   ım not sayıng any of thıs to justıfy subjugatıon or ınequalıty or stupıdıty or vıolence or selfrıghteousness or prıvılege  ım not sayıng ıt to justıfy anythıng   ı dont know   the worlds unfaır and ıts not gettıng any faırer   there are evıl whonyms everywhere   ı dont know how to stop them   maybe ım one of them  ı used to unthınkıngly unfeelıngly ındırectly routınely torture and slaughter other lıvıng creatures wıthout theır consent  and who would consent?  ıve mostly stopped though ı eat fısh sometımes because ım now lıvıng on an ısland where fısh jump out of the ocean and follow you home at nıght and lıe seductıvely on the table wıth theır fıns spread sayıng eat me eat me  though ı feel guılty about ıt and ım evıl and wıll be for all eternıty   thıs ıs why ı wrıte  not to not be evıl because ım whonym but because evıl and wrıtıng seem to have some complementarıty that dısturbs me  that ım tryıng to name   all thıs blabby nonsense ıs just about tryıng to name  name that relatıonshıp   ım doomed  god help me  were doomed